Grief Awareness Day

Remembering my dad, Steve Romig

2012-02-24T06:49:00.000-05:00

Last year in this very space, I wrote about my dad.

Steve Romig was a really good man. On Feb. 24, 1996, he took his own life.

The story I told last year was about the things I learned from his death.

Things about him. Things about me.

Volumes of information on mental illness, specifically anxiety and depression.

His disease. My disease.

This year, I want to share more about my dad from when he was alive.

So, I’ve been thinking about the things I learned from him while he was alive, and I boiled them down to three things that he taught me that still have a consistent presence in my life.

So, in reverse order of importance:

No. 3: Changing a tire

I had to write a “how to” report at some point in my life and I did it on changing a flat tire, so I enlisted my dad’s help in this venture.

I can still remember standing in the driveway as he showed me how to lift up our 1987 Honda Accord with a jack, unscrew the lug nuts, toss the busted-up tire aside and slide on the spare before screwing the lugnuts back on securely.

Sounds easy, right? If you were taught correctly, it can be. Fortunately (Unfortunately?), I’ve gotten really good at it because I’m pretty much a master of creating flat tires. So, it helps that I can rip one off and get it changed within five minutes or so.

Every time I do, I remember him teaching me that day, and I can hear him scolding me for busting another one. Or maybe the voice I’m hearing is now my wife, Kacy.

No. 2: Driving a stick shift

This is at No. 2 because my No. 1 item is more sentimental, but the truth of the matter is there’s nothing I learned from my dad that I use more than this skill.

Don’t get me wrong, I have no prejudice toward automatic transmissions. I see their value. I won’t refuse to drive one. Kacy’s Nissan Xterra is an automatic.

But I LOVE driving a stick shift. Every car I’ve driven as my own has been a stick, and that will never change. It’s really something about me that’s ingrained in my personality.

But it wasn’t always that way.

When my dad began his attempts to teach me to drive a stick, it didn't go well.

Lots of long Sunday afternoons. Lots of frustration on my part. More on his.

I did not want to learn how to drive a stick. I was a silly teenager who was more interested in being stubborn than gaining a really valuable – and fun – skill.

But, finally, it stuck. One day we were at church and my friend Jamie Pruitt was driving a new Jeep – with a stick – and I decided right there I needed to do it and that afternoon in an empty parking lot, I nailed it.

As I inherited his mental illness, I also inherited my dad’s competitiveness.

Which bring us to No. 1.

No. 1: Shooting pool

For many years, I’ve had my butt kicked on the pool table by good friends.

Chris McDonald. Chris Williams. Dan Hightower. Jason Allman.

Up and down the table. Butt kicked.

But no one kicked my butt like the man who taught me how to play.

Steve Romig didn’t let you win. Whether you were a friend on the tennis court or his oldest son at the pool table. You had to earn it.

Sometimes I did. Mostly I didn’t.

My favorite memory of shooting pool with my dad was on Jan. 17, 1991. We were at Opening Break on Assembly Street in my hometown of Columbia, SC. The plan was to eat dinner while shooting pool and then go see our South Carolina Gamecocks take on Virginia Tech in basketball.

While we were shooting pool and eating, the room became silent as the news came across the televisions that Operation Desert Storm had begun. It was a somber moment for an almost 13-year-old, who had no concept of war.

When my dad died, he left separate letters for me, my mom and my brother.

One of the last things he said was that he wished he had been able to get us a pool table for our house. His dream was realized 21 years later.

This Jan. 20, I had a pool table installed in my home, and the next day my brother, Bryan, came to Atlanta from Greenville to shoot the first game on it with me.

Dad was missed.

If you can, I be honored if you'd support Kate's Club in memory of my dad with a contribution of $16 (for the 16th anniversary), $47 (for his age when he died) or anything you can afford. I've set up a personal fundraising page in honor of dad that you can visit here: http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/jeffromig/jeffromigsfundraisingpage.

Thoughts on grief on Ash Wednesday

2012-02-22T15:26:00.000-05:00

Ash Wednesday marks the beginning of the 40-day period of prayer and fasting signifying the 40 days Jesus spent fasting in the desert before his public ministry.

It also kicks off Lent, a time where large portions of the Christian population give up something as a form of penitence from now until Easter Sunday.

But mostly, for these Christians, it's a meditation.

A meditation on loss.

A meditation on love.

A meditation on faith.

For these Christians, it's a form of Grief Awareness.

We take this time to think about the loss of Jesus and what that means to us and to the world, and we take this time to learn from his death.

What we choose to "give up" until Easter is supposed to be a daily reminder of our faith.

If you are giving up something for Lent, I wish you luck in your journey from now til Easter.

Where President's Day and Grief meet

2012-02-20T10:54:00.001-05:00

Few families in American history have been in the position to grieve publicly like the Kennedys.

Additionally, few American families have been so grieved over as the Kennedys.

From President Kennedy to his brother Bobby to his son John Jr., members of this iconic family have lost their lives in shocking ways that sent ripples through our country that are still present today.

Here's a great story about the Kennedy family and its grief following President Kennedy's assassination on Nov. 22, 1963: http://www.time.com/time/politics/article/0,8599,1919303,00.html.

And here's another great story told through letters from grieving Americans following the assassination: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/09/us/09kennedy.html.

The Kindness Tree

2012-02-19T21:07:00.009-05:00

Kate’s Club presented to 24 3rd, 4th and 5th grade classrooms at Norton Elementary School in Gwinnett County this week. That’s 600 students who participated in the KC Connects Outreach program in one week! We are scheduled to present to 36 more elementary school classrooms during the next four weeks.

These interactive presentations include a project called the “Kindness Tree.” The project begins as a poster with a hand-drawn tree (thank you, star Kate’s Club volunteer, Susan!). The curriculum focuses on three important aspects of grief and loss, and each aspect has a corresponding activity related to the tree.

1. Community: Students define what a “community” means. Then ask questions such as, “How does a community learn together and support one another?” and “How is a classroom defined as a community?” Students are asked to decide on a name for their classroom community, and a heart with the community’s name written on it is placed on the tree.

2. Grief: What is grief? Responses can range from the sad feeling we have when we miss someone or something that we wish we could see or see more often. The corresponding emotions we feel along with that sad feeling are discussed. Students are asked to think of who or what they are grieving. Students are encouraged to share their story and write the name of someone or something they miss on a leaf. Then, each student comes forward to tape a leaf on the tree.

3. Kindness: Students provide answers about how to be a good friend to someone who is sad. A discussion about they want and need when they are sad is facilitated. That discussion leads to a brainstorming activity about how the students can be kind and caring members of their classroom community. Students are asked to write one way in which they can be kind to someone who is sad on a hand-shaped piece of paper. Then, each student comes forward one more time and place their ‘pledge’ around the base of tree.

After the tree is filled, students then tell a bit about what they wrote, either on the leaf or the hand, and the presentation closes by noticing that the sadness of the stories on the leaves is being held up by the caring of the kindness of the hands on and around the tree.

Children of Celebrities and Their Handling of Grief

2012-02-16T21:24:00.003-05:00

Grief is a struggle unique to the individual regardless of the loss. Given the recent death of singer Whitney Houston, Yahoo.com provides and article illustrating some of the challenges children of celebrities face in the wake of a loss. The piece talks about how some are able to grow up largely away from the public eye while others are constantly reminded of their loss through a bombardment of media coverage.

While the path of a grief journey is as unique as the individual, some aspects such as sharing the stories of your loved one, your loss, and how you are coping are all important to the healing process.

You're still here? Of course you are!

2012-02-15T21:26:00.003-05:00

Whatever the holiday is, if you are grieving it can be tough. How did it go for you on Valentine's Day? You know... the day of love, flowers, chocolates, throws of affection, hearts aplenty with sweet messages inside expressing one's care and love for another. Believe me; I get it if you wanted to not see the world. The good news is that it's only one day.

But, let's look at it in another way. Were you good to yourself in the face of something tough and truly, truly unique to you? Did you embrace where you are on your grief journey and rise with excitement at how far you have come? Did you use Valentine's Day as a period of remembrance for your loved one and renewed your vows of how to proactively and positively handle your grief?

Surely the individual loss you've experienced is deep. It's how you treat yourself on a day like Valentine's Day that can make a difference in how the days to come will be.

You're still here and you knew you would be. We all did too because we're also with you as part of a larger community.

As always, we encourage you to share your story. Onward!

Owning Our Grief

2012-02-10T13:15:00.001-05:00

For those who are unfamiliar with TED Talks, I would like to suggest that you spend some time on their website. They are an amazing source for inspirational videos on a range of topics. Their mantra is “Ideas worth Spreading”. Today I want to spread one of their ideas about Owning Our Grief.

Alana Sheera does an excellent job framing grief and talking about the way we begin to experience grief. It is not necessarily with death. Alana makes several excellent points throughout her talk, but the ones that really resonated with me were:

Grief is universal.
Grief isn’t just crying.
It is something we will all experience.

What did Alana say that you connected with?

Faces of Grief

2012-02-09T12:00:00.001-05:00

As we prepare for Grief Awareness Day 2012, we are launching the ‘Faces of Grief’ photo stream on our blog. ‘Faces of Grief’ will allow individuals to put a face to grief as they share their story. On this blog we will be collecting the images and sharing them as part of a Flickr stream that will appear on the home page. We hope to have many stories posted well in advance of March 1.

Anna Ruth Williams - Her Grief Story

How can you participate? Write your story in no more than 75-100 words on a light color piece of paper with a sharpie-like marker so that it is easy to read. Once you’ve written your story, have a photo taken of yourself holding the page. Email the photo to griefawarenessday@gmail.com and it will be added to the photo stream.

Please share this request with colleagues, clients, family and friends who you think would feel compelled to share their story.

Thank you for helping us create a world where it is okay to grieve!

The Long Goodbye

2012-02-06T13:05:00.001-05:00

On September 7, 2010, my grandmother, known by her grandchildren as Mamaw, quietly passed away. The strangest part about her actual death for me was that person I had known and loved my entire life had really died a couple of years before.

My Mamaw with my two youngest cousins, Ally + Kate

That is the cruelty of diseases like Alzheimer’s + Dementia, they rob the personality, memories and spirit of a person long before they take their body. For several years our family didn’t realize she was suffering from the disease. In the last years of my Papaw’s life he lovingly cared for her and kept us from seeing the early signs.

Mamaw + Papaw: Just 2 Kids in Love

Once he had passed, my dad and his brothers quickly realized living by herself was not an option. Initially she lived in a senior living community near my parents. This is the last place where she was herself. She knew us, welcomed us into her apartment. It is here that I told her I was engaged.

My Wedding Day

By the time my wedding arrived 10 months later she didn't know why she was dressed up at a church and wasn't sure who we all were. This is when the grief began for me. Each time I came home for a visit we would go see Mamaw. But for me she wasn't there. Her spunk, her sense of humor were gone. It was heartbreaking.

My brother + I celebrating Mamaw's 84th Birthday

It was also incredible to see my dad, mom, uncles and aunts care for her. Their love for her had never been more evident. She would have hated to see them fussing over her, but she also would have been so proud. Now that she is gone I wear a ring my Papaw gave her every day. It reminds of the grandmother I really knew.

For more information about Alzheimer's visit the Alzheimer's Association website. For information about being a caregiver for someone with Alzheimer's, check out this article.

The Unexpected Moments of Grief

2012-02-03T07:14:00.005-05:00

While the inital experiences of sadness and anger after the death of a loved one are often difficult to cope with, it is the unexpected moments that have always thrown me off.

These are the moments when a scene in a movie or a generic conversation causes me to feel angry or sad because of an experience I am missing out on with my parents. Or waking up on any random day, with no particular significance, and missing my dad so terribly that I am on the verge of tears all day.

These are the moments when it is so important for me to remember to take care of myself and do what I need to do to cope because 1, 2 or 10 years later, the at-the-ready support network usually isn't present like it was at the time of the loss.

It's not to say that my friends and family members wouldn't be there if I asked, but since it's been almost 9 years since my dad died, and 30+ since my mom died, I doubt anyone has "supporting Cindy through her time of loss" on their priority list.

So, in these unexpected moments of grief I turn to the things that I can do for myself...look through a photo album, let myself cry until I stop without any expectation of when I should stop, listen to music, cook a dinner that was a family favorite growing up, snuggle with my daughters, dance with my daughters, ask my husband for an extra long hug without needing to explain why, or call my best friends who I know always have me as a priority and lean on them as needed.

Usually the moments don't last too long or interrupt my daily life too much, but they are always unexpected and always remind me that my parents remain a very large part of my life and my heart.

~Cindy Schoell

Sharing Memories with the Next Generation

2012-02-02T09:19:00.007-05:00

My sister was smart. Mom said she wanted to be cremated and scattered on a dune in coastal North Carolina. We scattered most of her there and of course the sand dune is now part of the Atlantic Ocean. My sister arranged for a bit of the cremains to be buried in Alabama where Mom's family is from and install a very touching, memorial marker in remembrance.

On Christmas Eve day, we traveled over to Alabama to visit Mom's family both living and dead. My main mission for the trip was to engage my 8 year old niece in getting to know Mom, the grandmother she never knew, and Meme and Pop, my grandparents. How do you make a visit to the cemetery fun for an 8 year old?

I took some cues from my super smart friends at Kate's Club. I thought about our holiday traditions - what would be a fun tradition to bring to the cemetary? Food and photos came to mind. My sister came up with the food solution - CHOCOLATE! For Christmas, Pop always gave Meme a box of Russell Stover choclates - the kind with descriptions of each chocolate, so you can avoid that yucky rasperry one. For photos, I flipped through the first half of a large photo album and pulled the Mom, Meme, Pop photos I liked. My sister pulled photos from the second half of the album. We put the photos in a fancy velvet bag (very mysterious for an 8 year old).

At the cemetery, we found the markers for Mom, Meme and Pop and we ate chocolates and reminisced. My niece patiently pulled photos out of the bag, one at a time, and listened to the stories that ensued (she also laughed at the great 80's fashions - remember neon and tight rolled jeans? Wait, I think that's trendy again).

I won't lie, it was hard for me - even 10 years after Mom's death. But it was SO WORTH IT! I knew it was a success when I heard my niece telling a relative that we had fun eating chocolates and telling stories at the cemetery earlier that day. Mission accomplished!!!

(here's a photo of us visiting Mom, Meme and Pop at the cemetary - I'm in the sunglasses)

Cindy's Story: Part II - Grief is a Life Long Journey

2012-02-01T15:41:00.004-05:00

Grief is a life long journey. This is a statement that I don't think people understand until they have experienced grief for themselves.

My life story has been defined as a grief journey almost since before I was born. My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer while she was pregnant with me and then lost her battle shortly after I turned 4 years old. I grew up knowing my mother through the most amazing father. My dad, Larry Barnes, kept my mother always a part of our lives. While the initial pain of losing my mother faded over time, the grief, anger and sadness associated with my mother not being around to participate in my growth milestones was always present.

It would be hard for me to describe the relationship that I had with my dad in words that would give it justice. He was truly my hero and a man of integretity and generousity. There was not a day of my life that went by that I was not told "I love you".

As an adult I talked to my dad almost every day on the phone and he was unusually the first person I wanted to call when I had news, good or bad. He was so proud the day my first nephew was born, 12/18/01, and was the most amazing "Grandpa Larry." I watched him with my nephew in excitement of the day he would get to spoil my children with love. He walked me down the aisle on 7/27/02 and was so happy because he loved my husband! He even sang at our wedding.

In March 2003, the word cancer again entered my world when my dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer. He put up a fight, but very quickly lost his battle on June 5, 2003. I feel blessed that my sister and I were able to put everything on hold and go home to Indiana to take care of him. The three of us, plus my then 18 month old nephew, spent 4 months together. That time was filled with the stress of caretaking, but also very wonderful moments. I had the chance to cry with my dad about the anger we both felt about the losses we were about to experience as it became evident that he was going to die. And again, not a day went by during that 4 month period where we all didn't say "I love you" to each other.

On June 4, 2003, I had to fly back to Atlanta to take my clinical compentancy exam for my doctoral program. I left my dad with a heavy heart, but knew that he wanted me to take the exam so that I would not fall behind in my goal to become a psychologist. I took the exam, flew home, and told my dad I passed. At this point, he was very sick, but I know he heard me.

That night, my sister and I stayed awake all night talking and listening to our dad breathe. He sounded so uncomfortable. Our hearts were breaking, but we knew we had to tell him it was ok to go. My sister whispered in his ear, "it's ok dad, we're going to be ok, you can go" and he took a last peaceful breath with my sister and I right beside him in the home we grew up in. A heart breaking moment that added to my grief journey.

The death of my mom defined my childhood and the death of my father, changed my adulthood. I miss him dearly, and even though it's been almost 9 years, I still have moments when something really good happens where I think for a moment, "I need to call dad."

Just as my dad kept my mom alive for my sister and I, I keep "Grandpa Larry and Grandma Tina" alive in my house for my girls. So my grief journey continues and with each new day and new milestone for me or my children, I miss my parents and mourn the loss of their physical presence. The grief isn't as intense as the inital loss, but it still has an impact.

~ Cindy Schoell

Cindy's Story: Part I

2012-01-31T07:51:00.008-05:00

I am a 36 year old mother of two beautiful girls, but I will always be the little girl whose mommy died 11 days after my 4th birthday.

My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer while she was pregnant with me. She had a mastectomy and underwent chemotherapy and other treatments. She fought to live for my older sister and me, but 4 years after her diagnosis, on August 16, 1979, she became my guardian angel. And on that day, I became a member of a club that no one wants to be a member of - a child who has lost a parent.

My father was amazing and never shyed away from talking about my mom. He was the most wonderful father and attempted to fill the void of a mother as best he could, including taking us prom dress shopping. I also had many supportive friends and family surrounding me as I grew up. However, even with all of this support, there were many times throughout my life when I felt alone because, aside from my sister, I knew no one else my age who had lost a parent. This was particularly evident during middle school and high school. I also remember struggling with having to explain "why" I did not "have a mom" and then being faced with the uneasiness of others at the topic of death.

When I first heard about Kate's Club, my initial thought was how much I would have benefited from an organization like this when I was a child. And how wonderful it is that the kids of Kate's Club have a place where the word death is not taboo and they are surrounded by peers who truly understand their journey of grief. As I've experienced in my life, grief is definitely a journey with ups, downs and suprises, but with support and validation, the journey is made easier.

- By Cindy Schoell, Kate's Club Board Member

(here's a photo of Cindy, her husband and their two girls)

Empowering

2012-01-30T08:03:00.006-05:00

This weekend I read an amazing book my sister passed on to me, Still Alice by Lisa Genova. It is the story of Alice, a brilliant woman suffering from early-onset Alzheimer's disease. A year after her official diagnosis, Alice forms the first support group in her area for early-onset Alzheimer's patients. There are already support groups for the care givers of these patients, but not a network of the patients themselves.

Once the patients meet, they share stories of the disease that only those dealing with Alzheimer's really understand. Together they feel "normal" for a while. Three months after forming this support group, Alice gives a speech at the Dementia Care Conference and implores the audience to empower Alzheimer's patients and rather than branding them with a scarlet "A".

Similarly, people who've experienced the death of a loved one are often branded and isolation results. That's why it is so important for grief support groups to exist - so people can feel normal and talk openly without judgement.

But I say, we can all do a better job of supporting those in our life that are grieving - if we are strong enough. Let them know you are there to listen. It may be while peeling potatoes over the kitchen sink with your mother-in-law. It may be asking a coworker how the first Christmas holiday after the death went during a quiet moment in the office mail room. It may be over a glass of wine at dinner. They may not tell you much but I guarantee they will appreciate the fact that you empowered them to talk about it. You acknowledged their grief and opened the door for conversation, whenever.

This Grief Awareness Day, 3/1/2012, let's commit to empowering everyone to share their grief story.

Football and grief

2012-01-29T14:14:00.002-05:00

Tonight, Aaron Rodgers will take the field in Hawaii as the starting quarterback for the NFC Pro Bowl squad as it takes on the AFC.

Across the country, Joe Philbin, the man who helped build the Super Bowl-winning offense that Rodgers has run in Green Bay since 2008, is hiring a staff and laying the foundation for his tenure as the head coach of the Miami Dolphins.

There aren't many physical journeys you could take within the United States than the 4,853 miles between Honolulu and Miami, and there aren't many emotional journeys like the one Philbin has had this month.

During the first week of January -- as his Packers were on a Bye week -- Philbin interviewed for the Miami job before returning to Wisconsin to find out who the Packers would play in the second round of the playoffs.

That Sunday, Jan. 8, his 21-year-old son, Michael, was reported missing after spending Saturday evening with friends at the University of Wisconsin - Oshkosh.

On Jan. 10, his body was pulled out of a freezing river, and before the Packers took the field the next weekend against the New York Giants, Philbin had buried his second-oldest child.

On Jan. 20, Philbin officially ascended to the top of the ranks of football coaches, getting his shot to be an NFL head coach.

In a fantastic story by CNNSI's legendary columnist Peter King, Philbin's decision-making process on taking this job so soon after this family tragedy was revealed.

"I told (the Dolphins) I had to go home and look my wife, my kids, in the eye and see how they were with this," Philbin told King. "Is it the right thing at the right time? So I went home. I talked to them all. My children said this would be what Michael would have wanted.''

Read King's full story on Philbin here.

The 10 Best and Worst Things to Say to Someone in Grief

2012-01-27T15:50:00.003-05:00

This is a great reference I saw at www.grief.com.

It's always had to know what to say when someone is experiencing grief, so I hope these tips help!

The Worst Things to Say to Someone in Grief
At least she lived a long life, many people die young
He is in a better place
She brought this on herself
There is a reason for everything
Aren’t you over him yet, he has been dead for awhile now
You can have another child still
She was such a good person God wanted her to be with him
I know how you feel
She did what she came here to do and it was her time to go
Be strong

The Best Things to Say to Someone in Grief
I am so sorry for your loss.
I wish I had the right words, just know I care.
I don’t know how you feel, but I am here to help in anyway I can.
You and your loved one will be in my thoughts and prayers.
My favorite memory of your loved one is…
I am always just a phone call away
Give a hug instead of saying something
We all need help at times like this, I am here for you
I am usually up early or late, if you need anything
Saying nothing, just be with the person

You can read the full article here.

Five Stages of Grief

2012-01-25T17:21:00.000-05:00

When I was a freshman in high school in the fall of 1992, I was in an honors seminar class that explored a number of topics.

I was your typical high school freshman, concerned way more with baseball than my coursework, and I still wish today I had paid more attention to my great teacher, Stan Whittle.

One of these topics was the work of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.

In 1969, Kubler-Ross first published her grief cycle. In 1996, I began to understand her work after my dad's suicide.

Whether you've experienced a loss or not, knowing Kubler-Ross' work will help you understand and empathize with the cycle that those experiencing a loss wind their way through in the wake of the death of a loved one.

The stages of Kubler-Ross' grief cycle include: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

She framed her work as a model rather than a process because she believed that while a process can be fixed and rigid, a model tends to be more of a framework or a guide.

Some people don't experience some of the stages. Some experience some of the stages multiple times.

Kubler-Ross calls transition between her stages "more of an ebb or flow, rather than a progression."

You can read the full model at www.ekrfoundation.org/five-stages-of-grief, and it's a fascinating read as it's built for each grieving individual to find his or her personal path as they heal.

To begin to heal, I believe we must seek to understand our grief, and the work of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross helped me on my journey. I hope she can help you or someone you love as well.

The power of poetry or prose

2012-01-23T09:14:00.002-05:00

When we grieve, we search for something -- anything -- to create an anchor to what reality was before our loss.

When I lost my dad, I was reminded of a poem I'd found during our family vacation in Colorado a few years before.

These words served as an anchor for me and reminded me of my faith in the days, weeks, months and years following his death.

Don't stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.

In the comments section, I hope you'll share the poetry or prose that has served as an anchor for you in times of grief and sorrow.

Buddy Perspective: Todd Owens' story

2012-01-23T07:37:00.003-05:00

My name is Todd Owens, and I am a Buddy at Kate’s club. I am currently 45years old, married with 3 girls, and a pilot for Delta Air Lines. I truly wish something like Kate's Club had around when I was a child!

When I was 14, both my mother and father were killed in an auto accident. There’s not a day that goes by, even now, that I don’t think about my parents. It was a tragic event and both my sister and I were lucky to have such a strong family support system to help us get through our grief. But trust me when I say this, we would have been much better off had an organization like Kate’s Club been around to help us deal with our loss and grief.

Kate's Club does exactly what the motto says, "Empowering" children after the loss of a parent or sibling. I've seen it first hand! I've now been volunteering at Kate's Club for almost three years and I can honestly say that Kate's Club is making a difference. I've seen the kids grow not only physically but emotionally in a safe environment that understands their loss.

There was no environment like this available when I was a child, I wish there had been. I believe in Kate's Club and the results we produce. I feel so fortunate to be a part of this great organization. If you are reading this and have any apprehension about getting involved in Kate’s Club I would simply encourage you give Kate’s club a chance. It can truly be a life changer. It is for ME!

(here's a photo of Todd and Cynthia Daniel, Kate's Club Program Director, practicing making memory bundles before the 2011 Winter Holiday H.U.G.S. program)

How telling your story can help

2012-01-21T17:02:00.007-05:00

If you have experienced a loss, it may feel like you will never fully "get over it” nor forget the loved one. You may continue to feel overwhelmed with uncertainty and perhaps nothing at all seems right. In preparing this post, research has demonstrated that grief counselors, psychologists, professional caretakers, religious figures and others are in agreement that talking about grief helps. By not talking about your grief, there may sense that no one seems to understand. Perhaps a question you’re asking internally is “is there anyone that gets it?” and this is begging to be answered outwardly.

Talking about grief brings about a “me too” effect. It is a commonality not tied to the details of the specific loss, but in the sense that many of the emotions and questions are the same as the other grieving person. According to Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt, when sharing your grief outside yourself, healing occurs. Simply ignoring it will not make it go away whereas talking makes someone experiencing grief feel better. Dr. Wolfelt encourages the grieving party to allow him or herself to speak from the heart, not just the head. Additional means of support come from finding individuals close to the person experiencing the grief who will listen without judgment.

Carl Alasko, Ph.D. mental component which can make the grieving process much more effective. Dr. Alasko references research on the issue of grieving which points out that recuperating from a loss through grieving is a very individual process. So, it’s natural to understand that some people benefit from being in processing groups and others don't. Dr. Alasko states that the common factor in successfully moving through grief is coming to the full and open acceptance of the fact that a loss has occurred. By talking to other people about the loss those feelings are brought into the open.

Dr. Alasko reminds us that life will always move forward and that actively grieving reconnects us to the forward movement of life. As we move towards Grief Awareness Day, we ask and encourage you to share your story. If you are interested, please click on the Share YOUR Story tab on this blog.

How children and adults experience grief similarly and differently

2012-01-19T20:13:00.007-05:00

Certainly one of the issues, if not struggles, in moving through the grief journey is understanding the difference in how children and adults grieve.

Parents, who are often suffering with their own grief, have a greater understanding and clear distinction between life and death. This may become challenging as they work to explain to their children what the “new normal” for the family unit is. So, how can surviving parents help their children who may also aid the parent along his or her grief journey?

According to an article in the BBC, Dr. Ann Dent explains how toddlers, children and adolescents view death, and outlines some of the symptoms to look out for. In her piece, Dr. Dent states that how children cope with loss will depend to some extent on their personalities, but mostly in the way their parents or care givers have guided them.

Dr. Dent explains that a child younger than five may view death as a sleep or a journey and that death and life are interchangeable. For children in elementary, or primary school, they may experience similar feelings to adults, such as shock, confusion, anger and guilt. Children of this age may not show their feelings openly, leading parents and others to believe that they aren't affected by the death.

Dr. Dent goes on to explain that grief reactions made by teens are similar to those of adults but negative feelings may lead to violence and aggression. She says that mood swings and periods of depression are common but it may be difficult to separate them from normal or traditional adolescent behavior. Tension and fighting within the family may become more common.

Changes in behavior range as wide as the various ages of a surviving child and include, but are not limited to, becoming withdrawn, bed-wetting, lack of concentration, clinging, bullying, telling lies, headaches, sleep difficulties and changing eating habits.

If you are grieving, or know someone who is, what signs do you see? How do you handle them? How have you moved through your grief journey?

New Years Resolutions and Your Grief

2012-01-17T20:33:00.005-05:00

So, here we are closing out 17 days into 2012 and the Grief Awareness Blog wants you to raise your hand if you made a new year’s resolution and have stuck with it.

Certainly, we have all made a commitment to the “typical” resolutions to exercise more, eat healthier, not work so much, save money, try a new hobby, etc. (I’ll take the first two, again.) But for those dealing with grief, these resolutions can take on a new meaning and present an entirely new challenge.

How are you dealing with your grief now and what do you resolve to change or improve in the New Year? Some of the ones I’ve heard from people that have experienced a loss, some I even aspire to myself in having a loss, are to be more understanding, cherish time with family, not be angry at the loss of the loved one, create a new tradition with family, and grow in some meaningful way such as giving back to community or excelling professionally or academically.

It’s hard, right?

First, perhaps you should give yourself credit for managing the holiday season. Face it, it’s a season! Then, keep moving forward, in little steps or in big bounds, (it doesn’t matter as long as you move forward) striving towards the resolution. Be sure to get the help or assistance you need in achieving your goal.

Now, how many still have your hand raised? If so, excellent! Keep it up! If you put your hand down, give yourself a break and reflect as to why. Then, work to leverage the resources available around you to positively move forward with your grief.

Remember that a mountain is climbed by putting one foot in front of the other until you reach the summit.

Where to Go for Help

2012-01-15T10:54:00.000-05:00

When a child grieves the death of a parent, sibling, or significant person in their life, one of the hardest things is know where to turn.

On Saturday January 7, Kate’s Club hosted a Resource Fair. Family members attended the fair after signing their kids in for the Kate’s Club program, an outing to Centennial Park Ice Rink! This, our first Resource Fair was a wonderful success! The fair was timed as a kick-off to the new year, and to celebrate the completion of a new and updated resource list that will be given to families when they join Kate’s Club. The updated resource list is also now available on our blog!

Art It Out Art Therapy

“Families’ needs are all unique and individual, depending on who in the child’s life died, and how they died…we want to provide as much direction and navigational support as we can. Sometimes a catalogue of books on grief is more helpful than a book title…each person can scan through the various titles and choose something that catches their attention. A well designed website, an on-line journal, a blog can all be effective tools. Alternative therapies (art, music, equine) are becoming readily available locally for families that are interested in those things. Whatever helps a child or family feel empowered to endure the pain that is grief, whatever provides a glimpse of hope, we want our families to know about.”

Thank you to all of the community resources that made the effort to come out early on a Saturday morning to provide information to our Kate's Club families:

Circus Arts Institute

The Link Counseling Center
The Georgia Hospice and Palliative Care Association
Crossroads Hospice Bereavement Program
Camp STARS
The George Center for Music Therapy
Art-it-Out Art Therapy
A Place of Good with their Comfort Companion Toys
NYL Financial Planning Services
Stride Ahead Equine Therapy
Circus Arts Institute
Department of Army Survivor Outreach Services

AND

Thank you to Kate who donated signed copies of her book A Healing Place.

Happy Birthday Mom!

2012-01-13T14:08:00.005-05:00

Today is my mom’s 85th birthday. I don’t remember celebrating any of her birthday’s but do remember how special she made me feel on mine. White daisies still make me smile because they remind me of the yellow and white cupcakes she made for my 7th birthday party. She made us matching yellow sundresses and pinned tiny white flowers in our hair.

Our house was the neighborhood gathering place for all things festive because mom was born to be the hostess with the mostess. She convinced my dad that Ms. Seligman’s 30th birthday, the annual PTA Auction and the Cub Scout Bingo Night had to be at our house. I remember helping her make dozens of homemade lasagna’s and picking layers of multicolored candle wax off the coffee table. I believe that every purple polka-dot party favor, Partridge Family decoration and lemon Bundt cake was a symbol of my mother’s love for us.

She knew that she would ultimately miss most of our milestones and wanted to make the most of the moments she could share. When my mother passed away I was 15 years old, the thought of celebrating anything was not on my mind. Little did I know that it had been on hers! On my next birthday, I was ushered into a ‘Sweet 16’ surprise party that my mom had arranged with the neighborhood mom’s. It was a truly bittersweet day for me but I certainly felt loved.

Happy Birthday Mom!

By Elizabeth Shara Grannan

Extremely Loud + Incredibly Close

2012-01-12T23:17:00.000-05:00

On January 20 the film adaptation of Extremely Loud + Incredibly Close will be released nationwide. The story, written by Jonathan Safran Foer, follows nine-year old Oskar Schell through the boroughs of New York on his very own grief journey.

Oskar's father was killed during the attacks on 9/11, but this book (and now movie) is not about 9/11. It explores the very raw emotions that come with grief and the difficulty in navigating life without that person. There are times when Foer's story loses its way in far-fetched subplots and confusing storylines, but finds its way when Oskar is the focus.

The book is at its best when Foer transports the reader into the mind of Oskar and allows you to feel his pain, joy, frustration and hope.

I look forward to seeing if the movie can translate the magic of Oskar onto the big screen, and of course recommend reading the book before you see the movie.

One Year

2012-01-10T13:25:00.000-05:00

One year ago today, the Grief Awareness blog launched as part of Kate’s Club's efforts to help the community recognize the importance of dealing with grief and provide another resource for those in the grieving process.

Grief Awareness Day 2011 Tree Planting

Since that day over 8,000 people have visited the blog from six different continents. We shared Lisa's story about dealing with the grief over the death of her brother. We told the Hensel Family's story about the death of their father and husband. We have provided tools to help with the grieving process. And, we are just getting started!

Memory Tree Project

Today is a thank you from us for being a part of this movement. Thank you for visiting the blog and sharing your stories with us. We ask that you continue to come back, tell others about it and keep sharing as we prepare for the second annual Grief Awareness Day on March 1, 2012.

Facebook enables conversation to prevent suicide

2011-12-19T19:45:00.004-05:00

For those that may feel depressed, are grieving, or dealing with a loss, the holidays may be a particularly tough time of the year.

As one of the largest online communities in the world, Facebook recently launched a new feature that enables users expressing suicidal thoughts to connect with a counselor through a confidential chat session triggered after a friend reports distressing content.

According to the National Association of School Psychologists, suicide is the third leading cause of death among youth between 10 and 19 years of age.

Are you looking for the signs in a loved one, friend, or colleague? Do you have any stories or suggestions you'd like to share here on the blog?

H.U.G.S. all around!

2011-12-16T13:27:00.002-05:00

On December 10th, Kate’s Club celebrated our last program of the year, Winter Holiday H.U.G.S. (Healing, Understanding, Giving, Support).

More than 120 Kate’s Club members and their families joined us for a memory activity and candle lighting ceremony. Families and volunteers were able to come together and share positive memories of their loved ones through an activity, Memory Bundles.

We shared a community meal, catered by Mamba Italiano, then ended our morning program with our annual candle lighting ceremony. Families lit candles in honor of their loved ones, going around in the circle to share the names of the ones who died with the group.

Our program day ended at NE Funtime Bowl. 90 of the Kate’s Club members and their families joined us at the bowling alley for an afternoon of fun. It was fun time had by all. Thanks to all of our wonderful families and volunteers for their involvement.

Kate’s Club Thanksgiving Holiday H.U.G.S. hosted 80 KC members and their families along with 17 volunteers.

Our planned activity was “Grateful Banners”, giving the families all of the materials to create beautiful banners to hang in their homes. The families were given the opportunity to be emotionally present to what they were grateful for instead of focusing on what was no longer in their lives.

Our volunteers did a great job at facilitating these small activity groups. Our families were amazing with their creativity and willingness to work together.

Check out pictures from Thanksgiving Holiday H.U.G.S. here: https://picasaweb.google.com/112278567140557575419/ThanksgivingHUGS2011?feat=email.

Check out pictures from Winter Holiday H.U.G.S. here: https://picasaweb.google.com/lh/sredir?uname=109511635564867774448&target=ALBUM&id=5685828422308042049&authkey=Gv1sRgCO2wvMbC2eLwjAE&feat=email.

Jessica + Claire's Story: The Next Chapter

2011-12-03T10:42:00.000-05:00

In early 2011 we shared Jessica + Claire’s story about how they were coping with grief following the death of their father, Hal Hecht, in August 2010 from pancreatic cancer. Since we last heard from them, they have devoted themselves to helping find a cure for pancreatic cancer.

Jessica, Carrie, and Claire paint Houston City Hall Purple

They have become actively involved at a local and national level with the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network. From meeting with legislators in Washington D.C for more funding for research to raising funds for today’s PurpleStride race (Houston’s first), the sisters are dedicated to the cause.

Houston City Hall 'Painted' Purple

One of Claire’s friends had this to say about grief just after Hal’s death,

“The journey of grief is a very long, hard journey. I often describe my grief as the ocean--some days the waves are so calm and far away & other days they are so very, very strong."

Admittedly Claire and Jessica have had their share of days when the waves are strong, but also days filled with so much joy. I hope today is a joyous one.

After this morning's race in Houston, the sisters are hosting the Purplepalooza party that will take donations for their endowment fund. During Hal's life he was very vocale about how proud he was of his daughters. Days before his death he told Claire, "I could not possibly be more proud of you." I think today he would be.

Hal's Angels Team Shirt

Thank you to Jessica and Claire for their commitment to finding a cure and for continuing to share a very honest picture of grief.

More Tips for a Healthy Holiday

2011-11-14T19:17:00.009-05:00

More suggestions to make this a healthy holiday season...

Do something nice for someone else

Donate a gift or money in the name of your lost loved one

Laugh with family and friends about a positive memory of your lost loved one

Share your concerns and apprehensions about the holiday season with a friend

Release your emotion - it will provide your family with the same freedom

Get your rest

Be good to yourself

The above tips are from GriefNet which grants anyone the right to reprint this information without request for compensation so long as the copy is not used for profit and so long as this paragraph is reprinted in its entirety with any copied portion.

Happy Thanksgiving

2011-11-14T13:35:00.003-05:00

At our Thanksgiving HUGS program this year, we will be exchanging our favorite recipes and favorite food memories. Kate has shared this handwritten recipe from her mother Audrey.

How do you honor the memory of your loved ones with special holiday food traditions? Please share your memories, traditions and recipes in the comments section below.

Resources around Veterans Day

2011-11-10T15:38:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow we honor the men and women who have fought for our great nation.

But in many cases, these patriots never return to American soil, and leave loved ones behind.

For those left behind, there are a number of resources references in the following stories and organizations:

http://www.cnn.com/2011/11/08/us/cnnheroes-war-widower/index.html?hpt=hp_c3

http://griefnet.org/resources/veterans.html

http://www.veteransresources.org/2011/10/folds-of-honor-scholarship-fund-for-families-of-lost-or-wounded-veterans/

The Holidays Are Upon Us - What's Your Plan?

2011-11-06T13:21:00.008-05:00

It is November now and the busy holiday season is upon us. If this is your first or your thirty-first season after the death of your loved one, it might be helpful to thoughtfully consider your coping strategy for the holidays ahead. This blog will offer some suggestions over the next couple of months. The important thing to remember is you are not alone in your grief.

Sit down with your family and decide what you want to do for the holiday season.

Undertake only what each family member can handle comfortably.

Don't set expectations that are too high for yourself or the season.

Do things a little differently - if you expect the season to be the same, you will be disappointed.

Be good to yourself - get the rest and nourishment you need. If you need to be alone or if you crave the company of others, do what feels right to you.

Do you have some ideas you've incorporated into your holidays to cope with the loss of a loved one? If so, please share with this blog community.

The above suggestions were reprinted from GriefNet. GriefNet grants anyone the right to reprint this information without request for compensation so long as the copy is not used for profit and so long as this paragraph is reprinted in its entirety with any copied portion.

Cate Edwards: Honoring Her Mom's Legacy

2011-10-26T22:24:00.000-04:00

For those who are dealing with the death of a loved one, they will tell you that even small things can send memories of the person rushing back. But it can be the big milestone moments that make their absence the most difficult. At just 29 years old, Cate Edwards has dealt with the her share of grief. Her brother Wade was killed in a car accident at the age of 16 and her mother passed away after a long battle with breast cancer in 2010.

In the interview below with NBC's Andrea Mitchell, Cate speaks about the new foundation she is launching in honor of her mother and preparing for her wedding without her.

Healing Your Grieving Heart When Someone You Love Has Died

2011-10-17T20:19:00.003-04:00

During a recent visit to Atlanta, Dr. Alan Wolfelt of the Center for Loss and Life Transitions presented “Healing Your Grieving Heart When Someone You Love Has Died,” for the community, and “Dimensions of Grief” for professional caregivers. Cynthia Daniel, the program director for Kate's Club, attended the event and gives us her take.

Dr. Wolfelt emphasized the importance of “hospitality” based models of grief support that create space to allow children and teens to do their own work of mourning. He made a clear distinction between grief (the experience) and mourning (the outward expression of the experience). Wolfelt spoke of grief being anchored in love not logic, a helpful reminder to soften the therapeutic model. He went on to say that a successful program will allow itself to be transformative rather than resolution focused.

At the heart of the conversation, were Dr. Wolfelt's "My Grief Rights":
1. I have the right to have my own unique feelings about the death.
I might feel mad, sad or lonely. I might feel scared or relieved. I might feel numb or sometimes not anything at all. No one will feel exactly like I do.

2. I have the right to talk about my grief whenever I feel like talking.
When I need to talk, I will find someone who will listen to me and love me. When I don’t want to talk, that is OK, too.

3. I have the right to show my feelings of grief in my own way.
When they are hurting, some kids like to play so they’ll feel better for awhile. I can play or laugh, too. I might also get mad and misbehave. This does not mean I am bad, it just means I have scary feelings that I need help with.

4. I have the right to need other people to help me with my grief, especially grownups who care about me.
Mostly I need them to pay attention to what I am feeling and saying and to love me no matter what.

5. I have the right to get upset about normal, everyday problems.
I might feel grumpy and have trouble getting along with other sometimes.

6. I have the right to have “Griefbursts.”
Griefbursts are sudden, unexpected feelings of sadness that just hit me sometimes—even long after the death. These feelings can be very strong and even scary. When this happens, I might feel afraid to be alone.

7. I have the right to use my beliefs about God to help me with my grief.
Praying might make me feel better and somehow closer to the person who died.

8. I have the right to try to figure out why the person I loved died.
But it’s OK if I don’t find an answer. "Why" questions about life and death are the hardest questions in the world.

9. I have the right to think and talk about my memories of the person who died.
Sometimes those memories will be happy and sometimes they might be sad. Either way, memories help me keep alive my love for the person who died.

10. I have the right to move toward and feel my grief and, over time, to heal.
I’ll go on to live a happy life, but the life and death of the person who died will always be a part of me. I’ll always miss the person who died.

Thanks to Southcare Cremation for sponsoring the event presenting one of the most prolific and progressive grief educators in the U.S.

Grief Facilitation Tips

2011-10-09T17:16:00.014-04:00

Loss of a parent at any age is emotionally the same. People have varying levels of awareness and depth of relationship with the deceased depending on age - for example a six year old will have a different understanding of the finality of death and a shorter time period available to know the deceased loved one than a thirty-six year old would. Generally, kids understand the finality of death when they reach age 8 - 10. Prior to that, kids know the deceased is gone, but they think the deceased wil return in the future. Regardless, the emotional essence of loss is the same.

When working with kids, good grief facilitators know the kids are the experts and the ultimate goal of the session is to provide a safe place for constructive conversation and peer support. To start a session facilitors should engage the kids with a brief interactive activity around a grief related topic. The activity is only limited by the facilitator's imagination. At Kate's Club, I've seen activities involve hula hoops, fabric strips, flip cams, crayons, flower pots, tree limbs, pillow cases, lentils, board games or just plain old pen and paper. The activity should lead the facilitator to ask a grief related question of the group which generates a healthy discussion among the group participants. A specific question is best for younger kids - did you lose you mom or your dad? Your brother or sister? A more abstract question would be good for teens.

If the kids seem reluctant to share their thoughts, it might be appropriate for the facilitator to briefly share their story of loss. Good facilitators should practice appropriate self-disclosure and remember the session is about the kids' loss, not their loss. Although it is good for facilitators to have unspoken but concrete goals for the discussion before the group activity, a good facilitator will remain flexible and allow the group discussion to evolve, as long as it stays on topic. Facilitators should be mindful of different styles within the group - some kids process things externally while talking, other kids process internally before talking and may need a minute to ponder before verbally communicating. A good facilitator will allow short periods of time for quiet reflection then reengage the group.

Like most every skill, the more you practice it the better and more comfortable you will be. Be sure to debrief after every session both with the kids and with yourself to determine what worked and what might be improved for the next session.

KC Fall Festival brings families together

2011-10-04T11:20:00.006-04:00

The “money” swirled around Sam Halpern so fast that he could only come up with a handful of cash.

But getting rich in the cash grab booth wasn’t why the 11-year-old had his mom, Betsy, bring him out to Mason Mill Park in Decatur for Kate’s Club Fall Festival.

“Just being able to come here and you know that you don’t feel weird and you don’t have to explain because everyone has had a loss,” said Sam, who has been involved with Kate’s Club since he was seven years old.

Dozens of Kate’s Club families embraced the opportunity to spend a beautiful day outside playing games, participating in arts and crafts and enjoying the friends they’ve made at Kate’s Club.

The favorite game of the parents was Kate’s Club Family Bingo, a game designed as an icebreaker to enable parents to make new friends as well.

At one point more than 10 parents were crowded around a green picnic table trading Bingo squares.

“Who has been to the Grand Canyon?” one parent called out.

“Who has met Kate?” another asked.

Kate’s Club has always sought to create friendships between the parents of the children served by Kate’s Club, said Cynthia Daniel, Kate’s Club’s new program director.

“It’s huge,” she said. “They talk to each other, which is great because how the parents are doing directly affects how the kids are doing.”

On Saturday, as they jumped in the bouncy house, played on the playground or guessed the number of M&Ms in a jar, the children of Kate’s Club were able to take an afternoon to smile, laugh and play with their friends.

“Kate’s Club is really a blessing in disguise,” said Kish Charles, a Kate’s Club mom. “I just love the fact that the kids have someone to relate to.”

Emily Hawkins, Kate’s Club executive director, was thrilled at how great the day was.

“It’s really important for the extended families to come together with the other extended families,” Hawkins said.

And for the first time – thanks to a member of the Kate’s Club family – the event was put on and sponsored by a professional event marketing company, Ignition.

Morgan Osbaldeston interned at Kate’s Club in 2009, and now works at Ignition.

She helped create the partnership, and was a big part in running the festival and created the first thing guests did when they arrived.

Each person pressed their thumb into red or orange ink and then placed their colored thumb on the Kate’s Club Family Tree, leaving their own “leaf” behind and signing their name beside their leaf.

This way, Osbaldson explained, Kate’s Club can posted the Family Tree and always remember who came out for the 2011 Fall Festival.

“We thought it was a great tie in with Fall,” she said.

Toward a greater understanding

2011-10-02T20:34:00.004-04:00

Coming soon and periodically appearing on this blog, we will explore grief traditions from around the world. These will be provided by Cynthia Daniel who recently joined Kate’s Club as Program Director. Daniel brings more than a decade’s worth of hands-on experience dealing with childhood bereavement. She is also a renowned speaker and presenter on grief who has studied world religions and specialized in pediatric oncology as a clinical chaplain.

As we begin with this initial post, courtesy of Cynthia, we invite you to share grief traditions from your culture, religion, and/or family. By hearing from others, we may all seek a greater level of understanding as grief is a truly unique and deeply personal process.

Birth and death are experienced by all life. Loving another human being is common to all cultures. Death, dying, grief and bereavement are each distinct aspects of one common human experience. Culture can be defined as broadly as a geographic region or religious tradition, and culture can be defined as finely as an individual within a family. One’s culture encompasses basic beliefs, habits, food, language, self-expression. Culture informs how an individual reacts and responds to death, dying, loss, grief and bereavement.

Tolerance is one step toward becoming culturally aware, and there are further steps that are imperative: sensitivity, understanding, curiosity, openness, respect, harmony.

The most important consideration in cultural and religious sensitivity is openness to understanding. Learning about others’ traditions does not require academic study of world religions or cultural practices— it simply requires the willingness to inquire:

- What are your beliefs about what happens after death?
- Does your tradition believe in…?
- How does your family respond to death? What about that helps you or confuses you?
- Do you feel that people make assumptions or judgments about your tradition/culture?
- If so, what is that like?
- What do you wish you could say to the world about your experience of grief?

Again, we invite you to join the conversation as we explore grief traditions from around the world.

Talking

2011-09-24T15:25:00.000-04:00

It’s one of the easiest yet one of the most difficult things we do.

Imagine you’re an airplane pilot coming in on landing in the midst of a heavy cloud cover.

Your instincts tell you you’re coming in the correct way, but when you break through the cloud, you’re actually upside down.

In the midst of that cloud, you lost your bearings and had those clouds be low hanging, something disastrous could have happened.

This is similar to the human mind impacted by depression. Thoughts can build up in the mind that seem logical – such as how ending your life can be rationalized – but in actuality, that mind has lost its bearings.

This is why we MUST talk.

Talking removes these thoughts from the mind and puts them out in the open. That openness can provide the perspective needed to avoid suicide.

My dad committed suicide on Feb. 24, 1996 when I was 18.

Jeff with his dad and brother

The letter he left made a rational argument for why our family was better off without him. He was wrong.

But he never talked, and he had unequivocally lost his bearings.

If he had talked, things might have been different.

Several weeks ago was National Suicide Prevention week, but every week is a week to be cognizant of loved ones who could be contemplating suicide.

I implore you to talk to the people you love and to ask the people you love to talk to you.

By talking, we can save lives.

For more resources, please visit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention at http://www.afsp.org/ or the Suicide Prevention Action Network (Georgia) at http://www.span-ga.org/span/.

Kate’s Club to offer grief support training

2011-09-11T21:27:00.007-04:00

Kate’s Club will be offering more opportunities for our volunteer Buddies to receive training in grief, loss and bereavement. These full-day interactive sessions will be offered twice per year. All current Buddies, and those who wish to become Buddies, are welcome.

Volunteer Facilitator Training

Sharon Scott will be the guest speaker and has been the Bereavement Coordinator for Hospice Atlanta since 1985.
Sunday, September 25th 10:30 - 4:30 p.m. Kate's Club Clubhouse
Please RSVP by calling (404) 347-7619 or email debra@katesclub.org

OBJECTIVES:
- Increasing comfort level with talking about death and dying
- Increasing comfort level with facilitation of groups and activities
- Dispelling myths and misconceptions about kids and grief
- Acquiring tools and resources to create your own "Bag of Tricks"

Healthy grieving is most importantly about remembering, and as adults working with children and teens who are grieving, we need to be well equipped to listen with empathy and authenticity as they remember. Greater understanding and self-awareness are important for us all, and on-going training is the best way to assure that we are providing the most effective (and safe and fun!) programming possible.

How will you remember September 11, 2001?

2011-09-06T07:56:00.026-04:00

The tenth anniversary of the tragic 9/11 attacks is upon us. Where were you?

It was a Tuesday morning and suprisingly I was not auditing at a client's headquarters in south Georgia, but in Midtown Atlanta. Word was a plane crashed onto the interstate - ummmm, no. I soon learned the events of the morning, went home when the office was closed and planted myself in front of the TV, numb with shock. Lots of coworkers were trying to get back to Atlanta from near and far since flights were grounded. The next event I remember was attending a packed memorial service the following Tuesday at a church on Peachtree Street. I felt like the national sense of security had been ripped away. I also felt comforted by the community heartache.

Tell me, where were you that day and how will you remember?

Maybe you will give blood, maybe you will participate in a food drive, maybe you will say a prayer. I hope you will also talk about your memories with those you care about. Perhaps you have a child in your life who is confused by the events of the day. If so, I encourage you to watch this video, What Happened: The True Story of September 11, 2001 designed by Nickelodeon to specifically answer kids' questions and convey a sense of the national tragedy. The video features kids with first-hand experiences of the day as well as answers to kids' questions. The 22 minute piece doesn't include many of the terrifying images of 9/11 and, in the end, reminds us of the unity the nation felt in our need for collective grieving.

Lynn's letter (pictured here), which she sent to emergency responders on the one year anniversary of the attacks, continues to offer good advice when dealing with grief. Talk with others and write about your feelings - together we'll learn to respectfully weave the deepest sadness into our lives and grow stronger because of it.

"Dear America,

Though September 11 is beyond imaginable we need to move forward. This will be hard for [me] as well as the rest of America.

As a country we need to join together. With each other we can make it through this tough time. When it happened I did not understand. Now after 1 year I have begun [sic] to understand. Talking and writing about 9/11 has really helped. It might help you, too.

I have many hopes for America. I hope we become stronger as a nation. I hope we continue our patrisom [sic]. I hope we continue to work hard. I hope the economy is rebuilt and most of all I hope we will help each other.

God Bless America!

Sincerely, Lynn"

Remembering Military Fathers... and all Dads

2011-06-19T12:45:00.001-04:00

Father's Day is a day to celebrate the role of fathers in our lives. For those who have lost their Dad, this day carries a different and special meaning. Today on the blog we honor all fathers who are no longer with us. This video features Colin Allen as he talks about memories of his father and pays tribute to other military families who have made the ultimate sacrifice.

Working Through Grief

2011-06-07T23:10:00.000-04:00

Navigating life while dealing with the terminal illness or death of a loved one is complicated, especially when it involves the workplace. In Andrea Kay's article for USA Today, she examines the disconnect between corporate policies and employee grief.

The article highlights ideas for bridging the gap as suggested by Joseph Nowinski that allows colleagues and co-workers to be part of a support network:

Train supervisors to support workers dealing with terminal illness.
Offer on-site support groups for employees in this situation.
Enact job sharing and flexible work hours to accommodate workers.
Create a system where employees can voluntarily help out co-workers in need of support.
Educate human resources personnel so they are another source of information and support.

Help be a part of the solution by encouraging your employer to acknowledge the importance of recognizing and appropriately dealing with grief.

The Hensel's Story

2011-05-17T09:31:00.000-04:00

In 2010, the Hensel family’s life was forever changed when their devoted husband and father, Don, unexpectedly passed away. Within a week after his death a colleague of Wendy’s told her about Kate’s Club. Kate’s Club has been a lifeline for Don + Wendy’s children, Grace + Luke. This Saturday the family is "Racing to Remember Don" as they participate in geneRACEtion… proceeds to benefit Kate’s Club + Senior Citizen Services. Wendy was kind enough to share a piece of her family’s grief journey here with us.

The Hensel Family

1. What has been the most valuable part of Kate’s Club for Grace + Luke? The most valuable part of the program has been providing an outlet for the kids to find other kids in a similar situation. They appreciate the fact that they are "normal" at the club and that they don't have to explain what they are going through to be understood by their friends. That has meant a lot to both of them. As my daughter has said several times, "I'm so glad that there are other kids like me to talk to, but I'm so sorry there are so many in the same situation."

2. What has been the most valuable part of the program for you? I also have benefitted from meeting parents who are in the same situation. There are not many widows/widowers my age in the Atlanta, and I have appreciated the opportunity to talk with them about our common experience. It truly fosters a sense of community.

Don + Wendy

3. In addition to participating in this Saturday’s geneRACEtion, how does your family celebrate Don’s memory? Don died seven months ago, so we are still in the early stages of figuring out how to remember his memory. On Halloween (his favorite holiday), we wrote notes on little pumpkins expressing how much we missed him and left them at his grave. We also visit on occasion to lay flowers on major holidays and birthdays. At Christmas, we put his favorite baseball cap on the top of our tree to reflect the fact that he is now our angel. Mostly, we try to talk about him every day -- to remember and recall how important he is to us and the role he still plays in all of our lives.

Thank you Wendy for sharing your inspirational story!

To participate in this Saturday's geneRACEtion, follow this link. Or, to support the Hensel family + others dealing with the loss of a sibling or parent, follow this link.

For the Love of Moms

2011-05-08T18:45:00.000-04:00

For those who have lost a mother or for moms who have lost children, May can be a difficult month. Today, in celebration of Mother's Day 2011, we share with you a Facebook page that is virtually connecting those who have lost mothers.

'Remembering Moms We Have Lost, but Not 4gotten' invites others to share memories of their moms. Head over to their page to become a part of the online community.

Mothers Who are No Longer Among Us
Author Unknown

In tears we saw you sinking,
And watched you pass away.
Our hearts were almost broken,
We wanted you to stay.

But when we saw you sleeping,
So peaceful, free from pain,
How could we wish you back with us,
To suffer that again.

It broke our hearts to lose you,
But you did not go alone,
For part of us went with you,
The day God took you home.

If Roses grow in Heaven,
Lord please pick a bunch for me,
Place them in my Mother's arms
and tell her they're from me.

Tell her I love her and miss her,
and when she turns to smile,
place a kiss upon her cheek
and hold her for awhile.

Because remembering her is easy,
I do it every day,
but there's an ache within my heart
that will never go away.

Don't think of her as gone away
Her journey's just begun
Life holds so many facets
This earth is only one

Just think of her as resting
From the sorrows and the tears
In a place of warmth and comfort
Where there are no days and years

Think how she must be wishing
That we could know, today
Now nothing but our sadness
Can really pass away

And think of her as living
In the hearts of those she touched
For nothing loved is ever lost
And she is loved so very much

Remembering a Fallen Hero

2011-05-03T17:39:00.000-04:00

Clay Hunt was a war hero and giant-hearted humanitarian who passed away in March of 2011. The Purple Heart Recipient served a tour of duty in Iraq + another in Afghanistan before being honorably discharged from the United States Marine Corp in 2009. He often wondered why he survived when so many close friends and others paid the ultimate price for our nation's freedom. In the end, Clay was unable to overcome post traumatic stress disorder + the depression that finally overtook his life.

To honor is memory, Clay’s family is speaking out about his death and continuing HIS mission to improve the lives of wounded vets, especially those battling PTSD. If you would like to learn more about helping wounded vets, visit the Ride2Recovery site.

The Last Lecture

2011-04-18T22:58:00.000-04:00

Randy Pausch became a household name when his 'Last Lecture' went viral in 2007. Randy was battling pancreatic cancer and spent his remaining time focused on his family... leaving behind lessons for his young children to learn from in years to come.

Through a series of interviews he did, the world was able to share in his brave journey which was ultimately a legacy of a life lived with passion and love.

To read more of Randy's story, pick up his book The Last Lecture.

Other's Day

2011-04-08T18:49:00.000-04:00

One month from today is Mother's Day and a few weeks later Father's Day. Both days that are all about family and love. Those are also days that can be very hard for those who have lost their father or mother, especially kids. The Concourse Athletic Club in Sandy Springs, Georgia created Other's Day with these kids in mind.

Other's Day is designed to be filled with food, fun, + friendship. If you live in the Atlanta area and you know a child who should attend, email OthersDayRSVP@gmail.com.

Telling the Story

2011-04-05T14:56:00.000-04:00

For those who lose a loved one to a terminal illness, the grieving process can begin long before the person actually passes away. The range of emotions in that time are complex and the priority becomes caring for and spending time with the person who is dying. Updating friends + family during this time has been made easier through organizations like Caring Bridge + Care Pages.

Caring Bridge + Care Pages offer free websites that can be used to share the latest medical updates, stories, and memories with those who need and want to know more. Additionally, writing about what is happening can be a helpful part of appropriately dealing with grief.

For more information or to create your own website, please visit Caring Bridge or Care Pages.

The Ride of Her Life

2011-03-27T11:23:00.000-04:00

Dorothy Fortenberry lost her dad in 1986 at the age of seven. At the time of his death, he was teaching her how to ride a bike. In this month's Real Simple magazine, Dorothy talks about what finally got her back on the bike and loving to ride. Click here to read her story.

Learning to Ride

And congratulations to Dorothy who is the 2011 Life Lessons Essay Contest given by Real Simple magazine!

Photo credit: Real Simple

Kaitlyn... she ROCKS!

2011-03-24T13:05:00.001-04:00

Last night Kate's Club honored this year's Child Champion, Kaitlyn Benitez. Her sister passed away in 2003, and on April 1, 2007 her older brother Christian was killed in automobile accident. In spite of the fact that her young life has been filled with much loss, Kaitlyn's resilient spirit lives on in their memory. This kind, fun, and beautiful young woman inspires everyone she meets. The clip below is of Kaitlyn's acceptance speech at the 2011 Dinner of Champions. Congratulations, Kaitlyn... we are so proud of you!

Dinner of Champions

2011-03-23T16:46:00.000-04:00

Tonight is a big night for Kate's Club... it is the annual Dinner of Champions. (For those of you who are new readers of the blog... if it were not for Kate's Club, this blog would not exist) The dinner will honor five Champions and celebrate Kate's Club's work to empower children and teens facing life after the death of a parent or sibling.

The event is being held at The Fabulous Fox Theatre

This year's champions are Kaitlyn Benitez, Misty Alexander, Anteo Group, The Ohlhausen Family and Rabbi Alvin Sugarman. Please check the blog tomorrow to learn more about their inspiring stories.

In honor of this night we ask that you help us further the mission of Kate's Club by:

Sharing this blog with others.
Volunteering with Kate's Club or a similar organization near you.
Telling others about the importance of recognizing and appropriately dealing with grief.
Making a donation to Kate's Club that will allow them to reach more children.

A Note

2011-03-19T09:43:00.000-04:00

We have talked about the power of words when grieving... what to say, what not to say. When a friend or family member loses someone they love, putting into writing these thoughts can be difficult. But, the support and love the friend or family member feels is incredibly meaningful and an important part of the grieving process.

Today we are sharing some ideas for getting started on sympathy notes. It doesn't matter how short or long it is, ultimately it should just come from the heart.

Acknowledge the loss and the name of the deceased.
Express your sympathy.
Note special qualities of the deceased.
Include a memory of the deceased.
Remind the bereaved of their personal strengths or special qualities.
Offer help, but make sure it is a specific offer.
End the letter with a thoughtful word, a hope, a wish or expression of sympathy e.g. "You are in my thoughts and prayers.

The Birthday, The Anniversary...

2011-03-17T22:43:00.000-04:00

How do you honor the memory of a loved one? Below is a list of celebration suggestions for days of significance that you will always associate with them.

Eat a meal at one of their favorite restaurants or prepare their favorite meal at home.
Release a balloon with a message to the loved one.
Plant a tree in their memory.
Establish a scholarship in their name.
Have a celebration gathering.
Share stories about the loved one.
Listen to some of their favorite songs.
Make a memory stepping stone and place it in the garden.
Light a memory candle.
Make a scrapbook or a memory box.
Compose a poem or song.
Get involved in a cause that was important to your loved one.
Have a piece of jewelry made with their name on it.

Please share additional ideas in the comments section.

Photo credit: Hagley Road to Ladywood

Explaining Death

2011-03-14T21:53:00.000-04:00

For many children questions about death begin long before it hits close to home. News worthy events, such as this past Friday's tsunami in Japan, that are discussed in the classroom and around the dinner table are opportunities not just to teach about what death is, but how to appropriately deal with the emotions that come along with loss.

Tsunami Aftermath

Depending on their age kids understand and respond to death in very different ways. For resources on how to talk with children about death + grief, please check out our resource link and the following two websites:

Memory Garden

2011-03-11T21:44:00.000-05:00

Now that spring is upon us, if you have considered planting a memory garden, it is the perfect time. Memory gardens can be as large or small as you want them be, and can be located anywhere from a residence to a school or even a park.

Memory Garden in Bloom

One of the most important aspects of this process in ensuring that what you are planting will flourish in the garden. Your local Parks Department will have a list of plants that grow well where you live. In order to personalize the garden, you could also consider including a favorite plant of your loved one or incorporate a plaque with their name.

Photo credit: gardenwheeling.blogspot.com + Picasa.

Jennifer Hudson's Journey

2011-03-09T22:21:00.000-05:00

In 2004 Jennifer Hudson first became a household name as a contestant on American Idol. She then rose to superstardom in 2006 when her performance as Effie in Dreamgirls won her an Academy Award. Her debut album followed in 2008. Tragically, just when her career was beginning to take-off, her mother, brother, and nephew were murdered.

A few short months later Jennifer performed her single "You Pulled Me Through" at the 51st annual Grammy's as a tribute to her family. (She also took home a grammy that night.) Jennifer continues to celebrate the memory of her family through her music, her new role as a mother, and by staying connected to her community. This past Christmas she hosted a toy drive to honor the giving spirit of her nephew.
"It's a good way to keep his memory alive by blessing other children through the holiday season. For us, we never had a sad Christmas so we want to make other children's Christmas be as enjoyable as ours were growing up."

Will to Live

2011-03-07T16:28:00.000-05:00

In addition to Grief Awareness Day and Kate's Club being recognized by the state legislature last Tuesday, the Trautwein Family had an opportunity to share with the house about their foundation, Will to Live.

The Trautwein Family at the State Capitol

The Trautweins established the foundation on October 15, 2010 in celebration of their son Will, who took his own life. The Will to Live Foundation was created to work with teenagers and young adults to help promote teen suicide awareness and education by creating and implementing fundraisers & kid centered activities to raise money for teen suicide prevention, education and counseling centers in our communities. CBS News covered their story. To view the clip, click here.

Thank you to the Trautwein Family and Will's friends who continue to celebrate his memory through the work of the foundation and in their day-to-day life.

Why People Write About Grief

2011-03-04T13:25:00.000-05:00

Recently the New York Times ran an interview with Joyce Carol Oates and Meghan O'Rourke. Each have written first-person-accounts about coping with the loss of a loved one. (Joyce lost her husband and Meghan lost her mother.) In the article they share how their memories became books.

Joyce's book, "A Widow's Story", was published in February. Meghan's book, "The Long Goodbye", will be released in April.

Image credit: Karen Barbour

Lisa's Story

2011-03-02T10:53:00.002-05:00

When Corby passed away in late 2006, Lisa and her siblings, Price + Macy, lost their big brother and friend. In honor of his memory, Lisa + her husband founded Corby’s Castle. Today we share Lisa’s story…

Corby + Lisa goofing around as kids

What is a favorite memory you have with him?

Just simply being silly. We were just two years apart in age, and really best friends growing up. We were mischievous, competitive, and goofy.

What was helpful to you in dealing with your grief after he passed away?

Being with my family. My younger brother, Price, and I were brought closer together, and I leaned on him quite a bit. I was a newlywed, had been married just two months. My husband and I stayed at my parent’s house for a while. I don’t exactly remember the time frame, but I know that I stayed for quite some time until I was finally ready to go home. It was completely necessary and comforting for me to be with my parents and my brother and sister. Another thing that was helpful for me was writing. I wrote his obituary and wrote a speech that I shared at his funeral. It allowed me time to sit back and reflect on the happy times in his life and the joy that we shared together.

Corby, Lisa, Price, + Macy

What wasn’t helpful?

The “what ifs”. And boy I had millions. I played them over and over in my mind and had myself fully convinced that I could have changed something. Today I know that isn’t the truth, but I could not forgive myself for a long time. I blamed myself for a lot and played different scenarios in my mind of how things could have been. Those times were the hardest.

Is there something that when you see or hear it reminds you of him?

Corby and I were very much alike in so many ways. I honestly remind myself of him every day. We also look quite a bit alike, and I can often see him when I look in the mirror. That may seem creepy or strange, but it is true. The most difficult part for me personally has been since becoming a mother almost three years ago. I couldn’t believe that my brother would never meet my daughter. Now that she is older and understands so much, and can talk, she knows of Corby. She doesn’t fully understand who he is, but she knows him in pictures, and knows that he is my brother and her uncle. Recently, before heading out the door to go somewhere, don’t remember where, she asked me if Corby was going to be there. The other night she sat my husband and me down on the den floor and told us she was going to do story time. She grabbed her little pink Bible, sat in a chair in front of us, opened her Bible and said, “this is a story about Corby in the sky with Jesus.” I was in shock, forced a quick smile, and wiped the tears streaming down my face. The crazy part about it was, we had not yet talked about that Corby was in heaven, or “in the sky with Jesus”.

Corby

What do you do to honor his memory?

At his funeral, Corby’s girlfriend read a poem that he had written before he passed away. It was about how he was going to turn his life around and in it he wrote, “I will begin to steadily lay the foundation to my castle”. Knowing that Corby would not have that opportunity, I knew it was up to me to build his Castle. So in May of 2007, eight months after his death, Corby’s Castle was started. We are a 501c3 non-profit community service organization. Our mission is to get high school students involved in all areas of services, and we do work locally and globally. We have grown a great deal since our start and have been involved in some life changing projects. I am so blessed to be able to honor Corby in this way.

The kids of Corby's Castle with Lisa and here husband, Joey

What do you think he would be most proud of now?

He would be so proud of the work that I have done to build Corby’s Castle. I know that he is proud of all that we have done in his name and I pray that he feels some redemption. That although he never could quite get it right, amazing things are happening in people’s lives because of his life. One of my favorite quotes, that reminds me of Corby’s life, is one by Ralph Waldo Emerson. “To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded”. I know that he would also be proud of the kind of mother I am. He would also be proud of my brother, Price and sister, Macy, for the incredible people they have become.

Thank you Lisa for sharing your story. If you would like to share your story on the blog, please email us at griefawarenessday@gmail.com.

Grief Awareness Day 2011

2011-03-01T14:37:00.000-05:00

This is the day that we have been working towards for the last several months... the first annual Grief Awareness Day. At the state capitol this morning, Representative Elena Parent read a proclamation declaring it Grief Awareness Day across the state. A special thank you to Representative Parent for bringing attention to this important day.

Representative Parent with board members, staff, family, + friends of Kate's Club

In honor of this day, we ask that you do something special to celebrate the memory of someone you love. And, we ask that you continue to help us spread the message of the importance of recognizing and appropriately dealing with grief.

While today is a significant day, we know that the grief journey does not begin or end here. Please continue to visit the blog as we share more resources and stories.

Happy Birthday, Tamara!

2011-02-27T12:15:00.001-05:00

Yesterday was a big day for families and friends of Kate's Club. In the southwest Atlanta neighborhood of Grove Park, a tree planting was held through a partnership with Trees Atlanta marking the first annual Grief Awareness Day. For the McBride / Castleberry family, the day held special significance. They lost Tia + Tamara this past June and today would have been Tamara's ninth birthday. We here at the blog join the McBride / Castleberry family in celebrating her memory with them. To see coverage of the event on WSB-TV... click here.

Tia + Tamara's family with their memorial trees

Before the tree planting began, Councilmember Ivory Lee Young, WNBA Star Chamique Holdsclaw, and Kate Atwood shared their own stories of loss with the crowd.

Kate Atwood + Councilmember Ivory Lee Young

Chamique Holdsclaw with Victoria Ferguson + Roberto Young

Many thanks to Trees Atlanta and the Grove Park Community for providing the families and friends of Kate's Club with this opportunity to celebrate the memory of their loved ones.

Preparing to plant the trees

Dani + Michael talking with Erin Coleman of WSB-TV

South Evelyn Park with new trees

Keisha + Cole's Story: Part 2

2011-02-26T08:32:00.001-05:00

Keisha + Cole's inspiring story continues...

Cole at a Kate's Club Program

1. How do you honor the memory of Clifton?

We talk to and about Clifton every day. And most of the time we laugh. Clifton was such a funny guy, a prankster, and just an interesting dude. “Every time we go into the movie theater I remember Dad and I went to the movies a lot. And we watched Phineas and Ferb together. His favorite song on there was Phineas and Ferbots.” Cole loves to hear stories about his father and we are fortunate to have friends and family who are willing to share. Cole not only is able to remember his dad, but also to connect to the part of Clifton that transcended his role as a father. He gets to know his father through the eyes of Clifton’s friends and loved ones, which creates this beautiful mosaic of a man who was layered, intense, and wickedly smart.

Clifton’s pictures are all over our house. “I can never forget what he looked like because I have a bunch of pictures and we have a family portrait in my room.” We keep special items, such as Clifton’s favorite Chuck Taylor All-Stars, in Cole’s room – “Mom I think they fit!” Not yet, big man, not yet.

We celebrate Clifton’s birthday by making or buying a dessert of Cole’s choosing (this year it was key lime pie), lighting candles to designate how old he would be, and playing a game of chess – Clifton loved chess and taught Cole to play so we have a match on the chess board Cole and I gifted to his father. “Yes, you were beaten by a 9 year-old. How do ya like them apples?”

On Father’s Day we look at pictures and tell Daddy and Cole stories. There are hundreds and they are all hilarious.

When Clifton was still alive, he and I would toast each other on Cole’s birthday; it was a special way of thanking the other parent for one more year of parenthood and for contributing to the creation of this beautiful baby boy. He would always say “Congratulations, Mommy”. I continue that tradition. Congratulations, Daddy – our baby is 10 years old.

Cole and I decide on a special way to spend the day together each January 4^th. Although it was a day that brought tragedy to our family, we try to focus on how far we have come and how Daddy is looking down from heaven and smiling because we have been able to cope. “We are doing good, Mom! So is Sally (our cat).”

In 2009 I had a tattoo inked on the inside of my left wrist, across the lifeline, which spells out the word mother in a sacred language. It honors the man who blessed me with Cole. I am eternally grateful to Clifton and proud to be the mother of his only child.

Cole

2. What do you think Clifton would be most proud of now about Cole?

Clifton was proud of Cole just for being. J He was a devoted father.

Cole spoke at Clifton’s funeral. He talked about the lessons his father taught him and how much he loved him. Our brave boy stood at the microphone to calmly and articulately honor his father. It was AMAZING.

Cole looks like his father, has similar handwriting which I think is just so cool, walks like his father, and has a profound sensitivity about life and other people that echoes his dad. Clif would be proud to see that Cole works hard to keep his memory alive and to remind everyone around him that Clifton may be gone but he is not forgotten.

Clif would also be proud of how strong Cole has been, how he has overcome this challenge, and the fine young man he is growing into. Cole is a bright, inquisitive child and has used his brilliance to make sense of his father’s death and come out smiling on the other side. “He would be proud of me being exposed to new things. He would be proud of me not being scared to get on the Manta and the Kraken at Sea World.”

3. What advice do you have to parents who are helping their children cope with the loss of a loved one?

Be creative in seeking support. Children deal with grief in many different ways and, even if you have multiple children, one may respond to traditional therapy in a clinical setting whereas the other may prefer a more social environment like the one Kate’s Club provides. Try different options to see which one fits.

Advocate for your child. As parents we are fortunate to have the most intimate knowledge of our children and can keep pace with their emotional development and healing. Speak up to the people who need to be aware of what is happening, whether that is a coach, teacher, pastor, or relative. I continually emphasize that, although Cole manages his pain exceptionally well, sometimes he has bad days. Grief is irrational so an innocent experience may trigger a memory and suddenly your child is struggling with emotions they do not comprehend. Fractions, recess, making the bed, or a lecture from parents may be too much to handle. When that monster we call grief rears its ugly head and undesirable behavior erupts, take a deep breath, be gentle, and meet your child where he is, which may be a place of sheer misery. Not everyone is sensitive to the needs of a grieving child so as parents we have to be vigilant about demonstrating the best way to deal with these situations when they arise.

Take care of yourself. My grief was staggering, but I was ill-equipped for the experience of seeing my son in pain. It rips at you. I felt helpless because, as a mother, it is my job to protect my son and shield him from hurt. But I could not shield him from his father’s death. He was going to grieve, he was going to lash out, he was going to hurt, and all I could do was soothe him. I could not take it away. Parents may consider seeking resources to help them help their children. This is no easy task and it may take years for our family to fully heal. Kate’s Club is a warm, welcoming place and although the focus is on supporting children through the grief process, I have benefited greatly from sharing in the perspective of other parents who have suffered a similar loss.

“Expose your child to new things. His/her lost relative would have wanted him/her to explore things that are foreign so if you can, bring them on a cruise, travel with them, or bring them to summer camps to see what it is like to sleep in an un-air-conditioned cabin with a bunch of bugs. It kind of makes me more laid-back and feel like things are going to be all right. I don’t sit around being sad all the time because that is not what my Dad would want me to do.”

Keisha + Cole's Story: Part 1

2011-02-25T11:29:00.000-05:00

In January of 2009 Keisha + Cole's life took an unexpected turn when Clifton Roxbury was killed in a car accident. This mom + son have been at each other's side as they have each dealt with their own complicated emotions associated with grief. Today we share the first part of Keisha + Cole's story, and how they celebrate Clifton's memory with the help of family, friends, + Kate's Club.

Cole + Clifton

1. Some brief background on the details surrounding Clifton's death.

Clifton was killed on January 4, 2009 in a single car crash in Atlanta, GA. He was 31 years old. It was shocking, sudden, and devastating. How did a quick trip to the store go so horribly wrong? Police came to my door carrying car keys I instantly recognized. I had to tell Cole about his father’s death and literally cradled my child in my arms because he was so hysterical. Those two memories stay with me to this day.

It was Clifton’s wish to be cremated. Two urns held Clifton’s remains – one rests in his mother’s home in North Carolina and the second urn anchored a shrine Cole and I created for him in our home. On the first anniversary of the crash, Cole, Clif’s Turkish brother Tarik, our friend Jaime, and I scattered Clifton’s ashes across the ocean in Wilmington, NC. That particular beach held special significance for Clifton and me. Clifton was a free spirit who never wanted to be constrained in life so we honored his wishes by releasing him after his death.

2. What most helped Cole in dealing with the loss of his dad? How did you first learn about Kate’s Club?

Initially Cole was reticent to talk about his father or his death. He was very angry and withdrawn. The sheer unfairness of it all overwhelmed him. Slowly he began to open up. “The support that several of my classmates gave me helped.” For the first year, we were partners in pain, and relied heavily on each other. It seemed to help that I was grieving also –I was honest about missing his father, about being angry that he was taken from us, and that sometimes I didn’t want to be around other families with two parents because it made our loss so much more palpable. The first few months, Cole and I spent a lot of time together, looking at pictures, randomly crying, talking about his father, and finding a way to laugh at memories. Clifton’s single biggest accomplishment was being a dad – he ADORED Cole. “I know my dad loved me and didn’t leave me on purpose.”

Honoring Clifton's Memory

We also kept a shrine in our home. The urn was the focal point, which provided a painful yet necessary reality. There was no denying that Clifton was really gone because the evidence was right in front of us. Helping to build the shrine was cathartic for Cole because he chose the photos that adorned it and also selected items to go into the keepsake box (letters Clifton wrote to Cole when he was a baby, love notes to me, Scrabble scorecards, flower petals from the casket spray). I asked Cole how often he misses his father - “every day.” On the days when his pain throbbed harder, he would go into the room with the shrine and sit in front of the urn. He would also talk to his father, which I encouraged because I talked to him too. “Being able to release his ashes helped me. I knew that his body was free then. I knew that it wasn’t just cramped up in a tiny little urn because I don’t think he liked tight places.”

Immediately after the crash, I searched for counseling resources, but Cole balked at participating in traditional therapy. “I don’t want to sit in a room with a whole bunch of other people talking about my feelings.” My sister suggested a summer camp or some other activity that focused on providing grief support but was not as in-your-face as individual counseling. I came across a link for Camp Good Mourning, sponsored by Kate’s Club. I was drawn in by the mission statement of the organization – to provide grief support to children and teens. What a unique opportunity! Most options are for adults and the kids’ emotional health becomes a lesser priority. The programs not only provided a relaxed environment to share experiences, but also enabled Cole to meet other kids his age who had lost a loved one. We joined a community of families who understood our experience, which was comforting. Although the programs focus on kids, a tangential benefit is the parent groups. We need support too so it was nice to be around other mothers who were supporting their children through loss. I was not alone. Our favorite activities, besides camp, are the ones rooted in remembrance. Keeping Clifton’s memory alive and being able to share his life with others has been a critical part of our healing process.

3. What did not help?

There is no deadline for grief to end; it is a slow, gradual, often tumultuous process and Cole was only 8 years old when his father died. The impatience I saw in some people was disheartening, as if we should just hurry up and get over it. Life could feel desolate as we struggled to cope yet the world moved on. Familiar things became painful because Clifton was missing. “The house wasn’t really complete without Dad. Shortly after the crash, every time his favorite TV shows came on it kind of put me to tears.” We had to begin building new traditions.

Please check back tomorrow for more of Keisha + Cole's inspiring story...

Jeff's Story

2011-02-24T07:16:00.001-05:00

Today Jeff Romig shares his story... in his own words...

Jeff, his dad, + Bryan at Furman in 1984

Our lives and those of the people we love are defined by our choices.

Fifteen years ago today – on Feb. 24, 1996 – my dad’s life ended with his final choice.

Steve Romig was a 47-year-old attorney who loved his family, loved tennis and loved his job.

But he was sick.

Sick with worry over finances.

Sick with regret over not doing the things he’d wanted to do by 47.

Sick with depression, a disease he probably didn’t understand or accept as something that was actually affecting him.

You’d never know it by the smile on his face – which I didn’t see much, but heard about quite a bit in the days following his death. But the depression was there, causing him to get lost in his own rationalization that death was the only way he could take care of his family.

All that was left, after his death, were the letters he must have been writing on his laptop the night before when I spoke to him for the final time.

In an instant, everything I knew was shattered, and I began my journey to understand and deal with grief and mental illness.

The grief part began to subside roughly three years after his death.

The mental illness part is a life-long journey because the anxiety and depression that I believe led to his suicide was bequeathed to me via DNA.

I too suffer from anxiety and depression – a disease I now understand was very present in my life well before my dad’s death.

My dad didn’t share his feelings or talk about his problems, so his death was an absolute shock.

In the days following, I vowed that I would talk about my feelings and do my best to take the thoughts in my head and communicate them. It was the conversations that followed that decision that ultimately led me to realize, accept and then understand the disease I believe he and I share.

Mental illness should not have the stigma attached to it that was present until relatively recently. I see my disease as something to be managed, like diabetes. I’ve worked hard to do the things needed to manage my disease, and I’ve been able to be a very high-functioning member of society.

Suicide is avoidable through honest communication with someone you trust.

While navigating anxiety and depression, it’s easy to lose your bearings. If you don’t let thoughts out of your head via conversation you can end up rationalizing self-destructive actions – including suicide – that seem to make sense, but in reality, are terribly skewed.

I believe my dad did the best that he could, but his unwillingness to open up about his feelings led him to lose his bearings in the most tragic fashion.

My grief still creeps in every now and then.

I hate that we never were able to know each other as adults.

I hate that he never met my wife Kacy, and that they never got to talk about law as their shared career.

I hate that he wasn’t there to bug with house questions when Kacy and I bought our first home.

It still sucks every day that I haven’t talked to my dad for 15 years, and that he doesn’t know the 33-year-old I’ve become.

And when it sucks, my choice is to talk about it.

Chamique's Story

2011-02-22T20:50:00.000-05:00

To say that Chamique Holdsclaw is a great basketball player is an understatement. When you look at her stats, the success she has had is astonishing. She spent her college career as part of the Tennessee Volunteer team that won three back-to-back National Championships. She was picked first overall in the WNBA draft and selected as Rookie of the Year later that season. To top it all off, she was a member of the gold medal winning USA Women's Basketball Team. But there is so much more to Chamique's story. She was raised by her grandmother, and since her passing continues to celebrate the person that she credits with so much of her success.

Erin Coleman of WSB-TV sat down with Chamique to bring her story to the blog through this video interview.

What helped you through the grieving process?

What made your grandmother so special? What do you miss the most?

What advice do you have for those going through grieving process?

Chamique will be speaking at our big event this Saturday to share more of her story in person. We hope you can attend!

Online Tributes

2011-02-21T13:51:00.000-05:00

The internet has changed the way society communicates and accesses information. Take this blog, for example... the internet has allowed us to share ideas for celebrating the memory of a loved one, stories of individuals dealing with loss, and invite you all to the first Grief Awareness Day in Atlanta.

The internet has also become a platform for memorial tributes and an outlet for those who are dealing with grief. Take a look at this sampling of videos posted to You Tube...

Whether it be a video, music, or poetry, each is a celebration of a memory that felt right for the person grieving.

Elmo Teaches Kids about Grief

2011-02-19T14:02:00.000-05:00

Yesterday on the blog we talked about the Sesame Street Workshop project, When Families Grieve. Today we want to share with you some clips of the special.

The first clip features Elmo, his cousin Jessie, and his dad discussing the importance of talking about the feelings one has when dealing with the loss of a loved one.

The second clip shows Elmo and cousin Jessie making a memory box for her dad.

Please share these videos with a family that you feel could benefit from the message. Be sure to visit the sesameworkshop.org website for more information about the project.

Katie Couric + Sesame Street

2011-02-18T13:19:00.000-05:00

In 1998, Katie Couric lost her husband Jay Monahan to colon cancer. Her young daughters also lost their father. Since his death, Couric has been a tireless advocate for colon cancer awareness. Recently Katie partnered with Sesame Street in an important project to help children better understand death.

The following video is a preview of the prime time Sesame Street episode, When Families Grieve, that features Couric, Elmo, and other muppets. The project is designed to be a resource to families in this most difficult time.

Couric talked with Dr. Jeannette Beatncourt, around the launch of this project, about the difficulty of helping children cope with the death of a parent and the importance of finding the right way to communicate about what death means.

Tomorrow on the blog we will feature clips of Elmo and his cousin Jessie that are part of the project.

Resources for You

2011-02-16T23:00:00.000-05:00

One of the primary goals of Grief Awareness Day is to highlight resources that families and communities can turn to for support. The vision is a day in which schools, youth-serving organizations, health care facilities, faith communities, families, media outlets, government institutions, and the community-at-large pause to recognize the importance of recognizing and appropriately dealing with grief.

With Grief Awareness Day just around the corner, those of us here at blog central have prepared a resource packet for educators, counselors, mentors, parents... really for anyone who is interested in spreading the word. The resource packet is intended to provide a simple framework for those who want do something to commemorate Grief Awareness Day.

If you would like a copy of the resource packet, please send us an email at griefawarenessday@gmail.com and we'll send it your way.

Up

2011-02-14T22:23:00.000-05:00

Firsts... In sharing their stories, many of our interviewees have mentioned how hard first holidays and birthdays were without their loved ones. Today's blog post is an idea for remembering them on those occasions... a balloon launch.

A memory balloon launch can take many forms:

A balloon release of a large number of balloons all in the loved ones favorite color.
Family members or friends write messages on notes that are tied to balloons before they are released.
Family members or friends write messages directly onto the balloons and then send them up in the air. (If your write messages directly on the balloon, be sure you use a pen that won't pop the balloon.)

If you have done a balloon release to celebrate the memory of someone important to you, we would love to tell about your experience on this blog. Please contact us at griefawarenessday@gmail.com if you are interested in sharing.

Camp Twin Lakes

2011-02-12T22:22:00.000-05:00

Each year the kids of Kate's Club head to Rutledge, Georgia for their retreat at Camp Twin Lakes. Kate's Club uses this traditional camp setting to allow the kids to enjoy activities, friendship and learn how to deal with their grief in a positive way.

Camp Twin Lakes Project

One of the activities the kids participated in last summer was a weaving project. Each child wrote down a memory, a message, or thought about their loved one who had passed away on a piece of fabric. The children had an opportunity to share the message, and then all of the messages were woven together into a teepee. The teepee was then deconstructed and is now displayed in the Kate's Club Clubhouse as a memory of that bonding experience.

If your child is grieving the loss of a loved one and could benefit from the friendships built at a bereavement camp, visit the Camp Erin website to find a camp near you.

If you would like to do a similar project with your family to a celebrate a loved one, Paper Weaving Craft includes step by step instructions on their website.

You're Invited (The Event: Part 3)

2011-02-11T13:34:00.000-05:00

On February 26th, the kids of Kate's Club will commemorate the First Annual Grief Awareness Day with a tree planting in Grove Park. To kick-off the day, there will be a welcome by Atlanta City Council Member, Ivory Lee Young, and a message delivered by Chomique Holdsclaw (WNBA Star) + Kate's Club founder, Kate Atwood.

Grove Park

We would like to ask you to join us for the program and to participate in the tree planting with our partners at Trees Atlanta. The event will take place in Grove Park located at 750 Francis Place NW, Atlanta, Georgia 30318. The program will get started promptly at 8:00am.

We look forward to seeing you there! If you have any questions, please send us an email at griefawarenessday@gmail.com.

"I Really Miss My Dad"

2011-02-08T23:10:00.001-05:00

Meet the young and talented Demetrius Martin. On June 30, 2010, his father was murdered on the northwest side of Detroit. Demetrius, a ten-year old honor student, turned his grief into a book that encourages others to cope with death in a healthy way.

Newly published author, Demetrius Martin

Demetrius' mom, Erica, sought the resources provided by Open Arms Bereavement Counseling to help her son deal with the complicated emotions surrounding grief. Through what he learned in the program, Demetrius penned "I Really Miss My Dad".

Thank you Demetrius for helping other children realize they are not alone!

Photo Credit: the Michigan Citizen

Warrick Dunn: Making His Mother's Dream A Reality

2011-02-06T12:41:00.000-05:00

Tonight the Pittsburgh Steelers and Green Bay Packers will face-off in the NFL's biggest game of the year, Super Bowl XLV. In celebration of the game, today we are featuring one of the NFL's finest, Warrick Dunn.

In 1993, Warrick Dunn's mother, Betty Ann Smothers, was an off-duty police officer escorting a businesswoman to a bank to make a night deposit, was ambushed and killed by armed robbers. Warrick, at age 18, became the head of the household and responsible for his younger siblings.

Warrick founded the Warrick Dunn Foundation to take his mom's dreams and make them a reality for others. The work he has done through the organization resulted in Warrick being awarded the Walter Payton Man of the Year Award in 2005 and Bart Starr Award in 2009. In 2008, Dunn's book "Running for My Life" was released which chronicles his life on and off the football field, and talks extensively about grieving the loss of his mom.

As you are watching the game tonight, celebrate Warrick + his journey in celebrating the memory of his mom.

Some Book Suggestions

2011-02-04T18:46:00.000-05:00

For Jessica, a helpful part of her grieving process was reading the book When Someone You Love Dies by Therese Rando.

This book along with several others are part of a list on the recover-from-grief.com website suggested for those who are grieving. Other books on their list include:

"Tear Soup", by Pat Schweibert
"A Grief Observed", by C.S. Lewis
"I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping, and Healing After the Sudden Death of a Loved One", by Brook Noel + Pamela D. Blair
"Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief", by Martha Whitmore Hickman
"Safe Passage: Words to Help the Grieving Hold Fast and Let Go", by Moly Fumia
"When Bad Things Happen to Good People", by Rabbi Harold Kushner
"Living When a Loved One Has Died", by Earl Grollman
"To Begin Again", by Rabbi Naomi Levy
"Seasons of Solace: A Story of Healing Through Photos and Poems", by Janelle Shantz Hertzler

Music for the Soul

2011-02-02T22:22:00.000-05:00

Music is unique in its ability to transport us back to a place or time based on the memory associated with a song. The range of emotions that a song can evoke are all encompassing. For musicians dealing with the loss of a loved one, turning to music can become therapy. Writing of the lyrics can be healing for the artist, as well as the listener who understands, empathizes, and even needs the message.

In 1991, Eric Clapton's young son Connor died tragically from a fall. Clapton then composed and now performs "Tears in Heaven" in tribute to him.

When asked if it was difficult to write the song, he had this to say:

The writing of the song is the therapy. The toughness is doing nothing. From the time where everyone said goodbye to one another at the funeral and I was left at home — from that time to the time the song was finished, it was harder if I didn’t play the guitar. Playing the guitar was actually the solution. The tough part was actually being in the knowledge and the moment of what happened.

For other songs that honor memories or have helped others cope with grief, please visit the website recover-from-grief.com.

The Event: Part 2

2011-01-31T18:36:00.000-05:00

Last week Trees Atlanta gave suggestions for our readers who would like to plant their own memory tree. Not everyone has a green thumb or lives in a climate where this is an easy option. The following project is a way to make your own memory tree.

Step-by-step instructions:

Find a twig with several branches.
Place a lump of clay in the bottom of a clay pot or paper / Styrofoam cup.
Insert the twig securely so that it remains upright.
Cut out big leaves from the sheets of paper.
On each leaf write a special memory with the loved one. (If the project is done as part of a group, include the name of the person that was lost.)
Tie the leaves to the tree.
Photographs can also be used to tie the leaves to the tree.

If you have the chance to make your own memory tree, we would love to share pictures on the blog.

What helps? (in their own words...)

2011-01-29T09:52:00.000-05:00

The blog has spent some time focusing on what helps someone who is grieving through resource links, personal stories, and a variety of ways to honor a loved one's memory. Today, three of the teens from Kate's Club, Caitlin, Kaitlyn, and Maya, share what helped them in these video interviews.

What helped you through your grieving process? Let us know by leaving a comment below...

Callie's Story

2011-01-26T21:25:00.000-05:00

In early 2006, Callie’s dad had been having some balance issues which led to a fall that landed him in the hospital. While there they ran a CatScan and discovered that he had advanced stage melanoma. He immediately began treatment. Initially the doctors gave him three months, and he ended up living for eighteen more. Callie valued that extra time, and values all of the memories she has of him now. I hope you are inspired by the ways that Callie celebrates his life every day.

Callie playing with her Dad

1. What is a favorite memory you have with your dad?

There are so many, but I will never forget the anticipation of waiting for my Dad to come home on a Thursday night. He worked in Chicago (and we lived in Atlanta) Monday – Thursday until I was 13, and we had a little family ritual beginning on Thursday afternoons. We (me and my two brothers) would wait for my Dad’s car to drive up the driveway, sometimes camping out in our little person rocking chairs by the window…he would come through the front door and we would all tackle him. He would always have an Archie comic book for each of us (and sometimes Babysitter’s Club for me)…the crazy thing was, he always knew which ones we didn’t have and presented a new one for us all. I still don’t know how he did it! Then Friday mornings he would drive us to school (a break from riding the big yellow school bus), always in his bathrobe…and 10 out of 10 times, we would get stuck at the red light he had deemed “the longest light in history,” causing us to think we would be tardy for the bell. Then on Friday night, we would go out to dinner at some local kid-friendly establishment via “the dip road” – Lake Forrest Drive…no matter how far out of the way it was.

2. What was helpful to you in dealing with your grief after your dad passed away?

I think what was most helpful to me was the support of my friends. It was amazing. His funeral service was on a Sunday afternoon and I swear half the church was made up of my friends, most of which had never even met my dad. I will never, ever forget who was at the church that day…it truly isn’t as much what people say, it’s their presence that really matters. The fact that they took the time to show up for you. That day and the weeks that followed with cards, food, flowers and other pick-me-ups really helped me my spirits and just knowing that people cared.

3. What wasn’t helpful?

Getting the [insert concerned face] “How ARE you?” from people that I saw when he was sick or right after he passed away. Because how do you really sum it up? Every time I would hear that I would just want to cry because if you really want to know, I’m doing terrible, I’m sad all the time and cry obscene amounts at the smallest things but I’m taking it one day at a time. And that’s not really appropriate for cocktail conversation!

4. Is there something that when you see or hear it reminds you of him?

Little things, all the time. And I still think for an instant that I can pick up the phone and call him to tell him about something and then I remember. He loved the Georgia Bulldogs, so whenever they have a big win I think about how I wish he was here to see that (rare these days J). When I was 2, Magnum P.I. was at its height and because Tom Selleck had a mustache just like my Dad, I thought they were the same person….so Tom Selleck reminds me of him. I think of my Dad whenever something breaks in our house and my handy husband fixes it…growing up, I never understood why other people called these electricians, plumbers, handy-men…can’t your Dad just fix it?? Mine could. He would give us Christmas money all in $2 bills, so whenever I hear a reference to a $2 bill I think of him. Tons of little, tiny things make him run across my mind, and I’m so glad – one day I want to tell my son, Rush, these tidbits about his grandfather he never met.

5. What do you do to honor his memory?

Every Father’s Day we eat at the Varsity for lunch. We would ask my Dad where he wanted to eat for Father’s Day, pick anywhere, anywhere at all…and he would always reply with – “The Varsity.” On his birthday, we go to an Italian restaurant that he always wanted to go to – because they would give a free meal to a person on their birthday. He was a creature of habit and never wanted anything elaborate – at the heart of everything, he was just a simple country guy from Apalachee, Georgia.

6. What do you think he would be most proud of now?

I think he would be proud of me for starting my own business…he was always an entrepreneur and loved working for himself. I think he would love that I have a family of my own and that I married a guy just as handy as he was to take care of me!

Callie, her husband Brandon, and their son Rush

7. What advice do you have for someone dealing with the loss of a loved one?

I would let them know that it gets less hard (not necessarily easier…just less hard) every day. I remember right after my dad died, on the 12^th of the next month, I would think “wow, Dad’s been gone for a whole month.” And then 3 months, and then 6 months…and then a year or two, and you don’t think of time in those terms anymore. But it takes awhile. Also, the 1^st calendar year is very hard…1^st Christmas without Dad, 1^st Father’s Day without Dad, etc., leading up to the 1^st anniversary of their death. And that’s always going to be a hard day I think. But the good news is that the days in between get so much better.

Many thanks to Callie for sharing her story. If you would like to share yours, please contact us.

It's Different at Every Age

2011-01-25T21:17:00.000-05:00

Just like grief differs from person to person... it differs based on age, especially for children. Take for example the two paintings below. Each were created by kids of Kate's Club, the first by the teens and the second one by the "tweens". The groups were asked to depict what grief looks like to them.

Mural created by Kate's Club Teens

The teen's painting illustrated their ability to connect with a variety of emotions through grief.

Mural created by Kate's Club "Tweens"

The "tweens" painting reveals more concrete images and reactions to grief.

If you are helping a child deal wade through the range of emotions encountered during grief, click here for a matrix from the Children's Grief Education Association on what you can expect and what a child needs depending on their age.

The Art of Poetry

2011-01-23T15:08:00.000-05:00

By definition poetry is an imaginative awareness of experience expressed through meaning, sound, and rhythmic language choices so as to evoke an emotional response. Poetry is something different for everyone... just like grief. Many times it is difficult to put into words the way you feel when dealing with grief. One method of expression that some turn to is the written word.

Take, for example, this poem by Mary Elizabeth Frye, "Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep"

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
(Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!)

The website Grieving Through Poetry, has a list of poems about grief, and includes some thoughts on ways to draw inspiration for writing your own poem about a loved one.

What your loved one meant to you
What you miss about your loved one
The things you learned from your loved one
The way your loved one made the world a better place
What you would like to say now to your loved one
The things you enjoyed doing with your loved one

If you have written a poem about a loved one that you have lost, please contact us to share your story.

Camp Erin: The Moyer Foundation

2011-01-22T19:15:00.000-05:00

The Moyer Foundation was founded in 2000 by World Series-champion, Major League All-Star pitcher, Jamie Moyer and his wife, Karen. The foundation's largest initiative is Camp Erin... a bereavement camp for kids. With 36 camps in 23 states and one in Canada, Camp Erin is the largest bereavement camp in the country, serving more than 2,500 children annually.

If you know a child that could benefit from attending Camp Erin, please visit their website for more information. Additionally, they have a blog that gives updates on the camps and provides resources for grieving families.

The Event: Part 1

2011-01-21T22:29:00.000-05:00

For those of you that are regular readers of the blog, you know that it is just one part of an effort by Kate's Club to bring attention to the importance of recognizing and appropriately dealing with grief. One way that the kids of Kate's Club are going to celebrate the memory of their loved ones on Grief Awareness Day is by planting trees in partnership with Trees Atlanta. These trees will become living commemorative legacies that can last for generations.

If you would like to plant a memory tree, please follow the links below to the Trees Atlanta website for step-by-step planting instructions and tree care tips.

Planting Instructions: http://treesatlanta.org/HowtoPlantYourTree.aspx

Tree Care Tips: http://treesatlanta.org/HowtoCareforYourTree.aspx

If you have your own memory tree planting and feel comfortable sharing the details, we would love to share your story on the blog.

Trees Atlanta conducts over 50 tree plantings a year, planting up to 80 - 100 trees at each planting between the months of October and March. During the rest of the year, they maintain the trees with volunteers. Trees Atlanta works with all types of organizations and volunteer groups. If you are interested in participating in a tree planting or maintenance project please email Susan Pierce at susan@treesatlanta.org.

Photos courtesy of Trees Atlanta.

Jessica's Story

2011-01-19T22:56:00.001-05:00

When Jessica's dad, Hal, was battling cancer a friend of her sister wrote a letter with this quote. If you read her sister Claire's story last week and as you read Jessica's story now, it will be clear that is exactly the way that Hal loved.

This is what life is all about... Loving to where you leave an imprint so strongly on someone that time cannot erase it.

Hal holding Jessica as an infant

1. What is a favorite memory you have with your dad?

It’s hard to choose one favorite memory… really whenever I made my dad proud or whenever I made him laugh were my favorite moments.

I loved how much my dad practiced for the Spartanaires (high school drill team) father-daughter dance. Even though the point is that it’s just funny to see a bunch of middle aged men up on stage trying to dance, my dad took it so seriously and wanted to do his best – He was such a good dad like that.

I talked to him during some of the hardest times in my life and he would always make me feel better. I’ll never forget when I was going through depression in early college, and my dad hugged me and promised me that everything was going to get better. Even though I couldn’t see it at the time, I decided to believe him, and sure enough, it wasn’t too long before things did get better. This is something that I always keep with me, because it helps me to remember that things will get better whenever I’m feeling down these days.

Jessica dancing with her dad at the Sweet 16 dance

2. What has been helpful to you in dealing with your grief after your dad passed away?

My sister has helped more than anything because we have similar feelings, dreams, waves of emotion, etc. and can talk about it all with without reservation.

I read a book – When Someone You Love Dies - it was helpful for me in providing a frame of reference for what I was going through and understanding that it was normal and justified.

One thing that was hard was figuring out how to go back to a normal life. I felt like I wasn’t the same person, but sometimes I would try to remember what I was like before my dad was sick, like what about me is really so different, if anything. Going back to work was hard. It was good to be back, but after a few weeks I started feeling more sad. So it became hard for me to function at work. However, by that point it felt like everyone expected me to have gotten through my grief.

In general though, it’s like people’s expectations are not lined up with what you actually go through. It went in waves for me – first I was fine and somewhat relieved for the sickness to be over. Then about two months later I got really sad and it only got worse for a couple months. Finally I’ve been feeling better this last month.

Jessica playing with her dad and sister Claire

3. What wasn’t helpful?

There wasn’t any particular thing I did that I think was detrimental in the grief process, but I guess the main thing that wasn’t helpful was making too many goals and trying to get back to normal too quickly. I felt like I didn’t want to stay unhappy and unmotivated, so I would make goals that were unrealistic for me at the time (for example, next week I’m going to wake up early, concentrate at work all week, go to the gym, cook, see friends, and be happy). Then I’d feel disappointed when I couldn’t live up to those goals.

4. Is there something that when you see or hear it reminds you of him?

Some things that make me think of him are when I see a tan Honda CRV, whenever I have problems with my car (which is a lot!) and wish he could be there to fix them, buying a house and wishing I could tell him about it, my diamond necklace that was lost for 2 years and I found right after he died, and my mom.

I also remember him the last night before he died whenever I walk past a certain spot in my parents’ house. That is a not a good memory, and while I don’t think I want to forget completely, I’m hoping it will fade in time.

Hal with his three daughters: Jessica, Claire, + Carrie

5. What do you do to honor his memory?

I talk about my dad a lot and tell stories. What I most want to do is be a person and live my life in a way that would make him proud. I feel like that is the best way I can honor him.

Additionally, I volunteer, participate, and fundraise in PanCAN meetings and events. My mom, sisters, and I are starting an endowment fund at MD Anderson in his name.

6. What do you think he would be most proud of now?

I think that he would be proud of the way we are helping my mom and supporting each other. That has been a hard part that I wasn’t prepared for. Family dynamics change and my mom needs different things from me now, just like I need different things from her.

Jessica with Claire + her parents at her 2009 wedding

7. What advice do you have for someone dealing with the loss of a loved one?

Don’t expect to get through your grief too quickly. There is not a certain way that you are supposed to go through grief – people will experience it differently and don’t feel like you “should” be feeling a certain way.

Talk to people about your feelings – whether it’s family, friends, or even a therapist or support group.

At work or school or other obligations, I think communication is key. Let people know what you’re going through.

Many thanks to Jessica for sharing her story. If you would like to share your story, contact us.

We Remember Them

2011-01-18T22:54:00.000-05:00

When you walk in the doors of Kate's Club it is impossible not to notice and be captivated by the many art projects created by the kids. One of these art projects on the front wall is a memory quilt. It is the first project that a family makes together when they join Kate's Club. It is also a project that could easily be made in your own, home, classroom, or organization to help honor a loved one.

Memory Quilt

As you look closely at the quilt, you will notice that each tile has a traced hand. On each hand the loved one's name is written and then illustrated by the child to celebrate the person's memory.

Memory Tile

Grieving through Art

2011-01-17T16:56:00.000-05:00

Art is an excellent form of self-expression, especially for a child dealing with grief. Truth be told, it is healing for the kid in all of us. The image below is of the memory box that Claire Hecht created to remember her dad.

The recover-from-grief.com website shares some of ideas for projects you can do on your own:

Draw out your emotions, with pencil, pastels and ink
Discover the fluid and vivid world of painting
Find 3D stress relief through sculpturing
Build a memory box to reconnect with your lost one
Build a scrapbook together as a family
Start your private “grief journal”

Below is a list of supplies to get started on an art project to help celebrate the memory of your loved one:

Art Therapy Children Supplies:
Crayons
Pastels
Colored pencils
Set of brightly colored markers
Tempera paints and/or watercolor set
Spiral bound pads of art paper/ sketch pads
Scissors and glue
Old magazines

And for Younger Children:

Finger paint set
Play-Doh set